Tag Archives: Zooey Deschanel

#I’m Dumb – The Sparkle Pony Edition

1 Mar

My new favorite show is Portlandia. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen play various people living life in Portland, OR. It’s hilarious and amazing and wonderful, but this isn’t a post about my love of Portlandia. This is a post about how I’m a moron.

So, I kinda’ wanna’ be a hipster. I aspire to be Zooey Deschanel. That guy Wilco is my favorite band. I only drink Vegan beer. (one truth, two lies.)

Anyhoo…while doing some research for a post for a friend’s blog today I stumbled upon this….

Wait...I know that girl....

Wait…I know that girl….

In season 1 of Portlandia a music fest had come to Portland, Blunderbus. Hispsters were everywhere and one sad, lonely girl with bows in her hair and a guitar case covered in stickers couldn’t get into any of the venues because everyone thought she was a weirdo. I loved her. She said she was the band Sparkle Pony. At the time I thought, “Wow…that chick is super real and funny. I wonder why I haven’t seen her do more stuff.”  Because she’s in The fucking Decemberists you idiot, that’s why. Jenny Conlee. Not an actress, but an actual muscian that, according to Wikipedia, plays every instrument on Earth. They’re on the soundtrack for The Hunger Games for Christ’s sake.

What rock have I been living under? I’ve LITERALLY heard every single one of their songs on one of my stupid Pandora hipster stations I create, but I had absolutely no clue who they were. Clearly.

You know, this isn’t acutally my fault. Back in the day I could have counted on MTV or Sound FX to show me music videos where I could put faces to names, but now all I have to rely on is Apple Commercials and Internet Radio. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!!!

Jenny Conlee, I’m sorry I thought you were just some local Portland actress who got her big break playing a weird girl with a guitar in the fifth episode of the first season of a sketch comedy show on IFC.

"I like your bows."

I like your bows. I’m sorry I didn’t know who you were. I love you.

God I miss Sound FX.

Staticy Bangs Be Gone

29 Feb

So today at work I realized I’m totally a genius and if Shark Tank or Dragons’ Den ever came my way and I wasn’t busy blogging that day, I’d totally take my new invention to the audition and share it with the world.

Imagine the back of his head as the front of my face.

I have a confession to make, I have staticy bangs.

I have super thin, fine hair and when the weather gets they way Chicago weather gets, my new fringe has no benefits. 

Bestie Sarah suggested I carry a dryer sheet around in my purse. Done. So, the general routine is brush bangs into adorable Zooey-like adorablenes…

…which makes me look, instead, like Russell up there…so I pull out my dryer sheet and rub it on my bangs which just jacks them up all over again so I brush them again and they get staticy again…..ugh…you gets the picture, I’m sure.

WELL, today, the dryer sheet was kinda stuck on the brush and I realized I was a genius and had created a beauty tool to be worshiped from this point forward by all beauty tools.

The Staticy Bang Be Gone Brush.

Since I’d like you all (all 5 of you) to share in my glory I’ve created a very detailed tutorial for you to de-static your bangs in 4 simple steps.

Step 1: Gather Supplies

Step 2: Wrap dryer sheet around brush and squish. Tape dryer sheet around handle of brush.

Step 3: Use your new weird looking brush to smooth out bangs.

Step 4: Continue living life as the adorable lady you are, but now with slightly less staticy hair.

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