Dear Marky Mark,
I get it. You are a good guy now. I like you, I do! When you were 16 you did an awful, horrible, racist, drunken, asshole thing and you were punished for it. You’re totally sorry and turned your life around. Good! That’s awesome! I’m really glad you know that beating guys up and blinding a dude was a really bad thing and you want to help other awful asshole teenagers from being awful asshole teenagers, but…and here’s where I’m confused about your request for a “pardon,” if you teach kids that they can do bad things when they’re young and eventually, (if you grow up to be a movie star and ask really nicely), you’ll be told it’s OK and your punishment will be voided and you can have a license to sell crap in your celebrity restaurant that you wouldn’t have been able to sell otherwise because of that pesky assault conviction, then we’re teaching kids that if you get rich and famous enough, you can do whatever the feck you want and someday someone will make the bad things you did go away. Maybe you think having a third nipple is punishment enough. I don’t know….but maybe you should probably not complain right now….at least, while you were running from the cops all those many years ago, you didn’t get shot in the back. You got to grow up and play a porn star and sing hip hop songs and open a burger restaurant with your mom and your brothers.
Love, a Fan.