Tag Archives: comedy

In Defense of Miley Cyrus: Part I – The Tongue

27 Aug

This is the first, in what may or may not be a multi-part “In Defense of Miley” oeuvre that I’ll keep adding to until people stop talking about it.

I mean really, I’ve never seen such mass hysteria over a pop star before…..geeze.

I didn’t watch the VMA’s Sunday night. I did, however, watch the video of Miley Cyrus’ performance. I had seen Facebook status after Facebook status, describing it as “disgusting,” “WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?!?!?,” “I weep for our country,” “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore,” “If I was her mother…,” “Does Miley Cyrus actually think sticking her tongue out like that is attractive??!”

 That last one stopped me. Maybe it was the use of the word “attractive.” As a young woman with a penchant for blue humor and unbiased love for fart jokes, I heard crap like that all the time. “Oh…that’s attractive.” The sarcasm dripping off that word like it was melting. “Come on now Caitlin, that’s not very attractive…” as I aped a joke lifted from some boy who’d gotten primo laughs with it just the day before. I was just doing something I thought was fun or funny and a fart joke never killed anyone so I was (and still am) confused when I was chastised for not making myself attractive to people. Who am I supposed to be attracting? What if my whole goal was to be unattractive? Why is that such a bad thing? People do weird, gross shit for any number of reasons. I have a friend who cracks their knuckles all the time and a friend who loves to give people Wet Willies and another who can burp the alphabet. Sometimes, I enjoy timing my farts so they sound like my ass is talking to people or singing along to the Mario Brothers Theme Song (I don’t care what my Husband says, it’s f’ing hilarious). Miley sticks out her tongue. It’s just one of these things that we do.   

Hannah Montana circa 2008 or "Before She Was Scary."

Hannah Montana circa 2008 or “Before She Was Scary.”

And it’s not as if she came up with this horrifically offensive tongue wagging just to terrify you Sunday night and make you clutch your children and decry Miley as a Hypersexual Hell Beast From Crotchgrabia.

She’s a grown woman (some may argue that 20 does not a woman make, but that’s an entirely different argument) whose penchant for sticking out her tongue has become somewhat of a thing for her, putting on a show intended to freak people out and launch a thousand Tweets. What do you know? It worked.

 I’m pretty sure MC wasn’t trying to shock the world’s population in these pictures. Chances are, she was probably, “just bein’ Miley.”

  HOW DARE YOU!?!??!!? THERE’S A CHILD NEXT TO YOU! Wait…is that James Woods behind you?

 

If my tongue was that big I’d want to liberate it from its mouth cage too. Give her a break on the tongue thing, ok? Chillax.

You Slut.

You Slut.

To Be Continued…..in In Defense of Miley Cyrus: Part II – The Crotch Grab

#I’m Dumb – The Sparkle Pony Edition

1 Mar

My new favorite show is Portlandia. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen play various people living life in Portland, OR. It’s hilarious and amazing and wonderful, but this isn’t a post about my love of Portlandia. This is a post about how I’m a moron.

So, I kinda’ wanna’ be a hipster. I aspire to be Zooey Deschanel. That guy Wilco is my favorite band. I only drink Vegan beer. (one truth, two lies.)

Anyhoo…while doing some research for a post for a friend’s blog today I stumbled upon this….

Wait...I know that girl....

Wait…I know that girl….

In season 1 of Portlandia a music fest had come to Portland, Blunderbus. Hispsters were everywhere and one sad, lonely girl with bows in her hair and a guitar case covered in stickers couldn’t get into any of the venues because everyone thought she was a weirdo. I loved her. She said she was the band Sparkle Pony. At the time I thought, “Wow…that chick is super real and funny. I wonder why I haven’t seen her do more stuff.”  Because she’s in The fucking Decemberists you idiot, that’s why. Jenny Conlee. Not an actress, but an actual muscian that, according to Wikipedia, plays every instrument on Earth. They’re on the soundtrack for The Hunger Games for Christ’s sake.

What rock have I been living under? I’ve LITERALLY heard every single one of their songs on one of my stupid Pandora hipster stations I create, but I had absolutely no clue who they were. Clearly.

You know, this isn’t acutally my fault. Back in the day I could have counted on MTV or Sound FX to show me music videos where I could put faces to names, but now all I have to rely on is Apple Commercials and Internet Radio. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!!!

Jenny Conlee, I’m sorry I thought you were just some local Portland actress who got her big break playing a weird girl with a guitar in the fifth episode of the first season of a sketch comedy show on IFC.

"I like your bows."

I like your bows. I’m sorry I didn’t know who you were. I love you.

God I miss Sound FX.

What I’m Watching: The Week in Limerick

23 Mar

Hi all….I must warn you that if you haven’t watched the last two episodes of Walking Dead, skip the first one…otherwise I’m not spoiling a damn thing, so chillax. Also, my limericks aren’t dirty. They should be. I didn’t intentionally make them clean..it’s just…limericks are hard y’all. For reals.

Enjoy.

Sunday-THE WALKING DEAD


Sheriff Rick’s best pal was a louse,
Who boned Rick’s horrible spouse.
Now Shane is gone.
Killed by Rick’s spawn,
Because Carl was not in the house.




Monday-THE VOICE


Three stars sit in chairs that are cushy.
They must choose without having a look-see.
Drawn by the voice,
The stars make their choice,

While Cee Lo strokes his white pussy.



Tuesday-NEW GIRL


She’s cute and her name is Zooey.
Instead of “sex” she says “making whoopie.”

She lives with three boys,

Whom she always annoys.
Next week, instead, I’ll watch Glee.


Wednesday-NBC

NBC Wednesday nights are for “comedy,”
But they keep airing …Chelsea and Whitney.

This night you have botched.

Please don’t force me to watch.
I’d rather remove my own kidney.


Thursday-30 ROCK



There once was a girl named Liz Lemon
A hero for smart, awesome women.
The Peacock’s redeemed.
Wednesday night, a bad dream.
My kidney I’ll keep for Grizz Chapman.

Pop Quiz, Asshole…

10 Mar

When I'm feeling all angry-like, I hold the phone just like this too.

What do you do when you have zero dollars,

Your Husband is off playing RPG’s with a bunch o’ nerds,

You kinda’ feel like shit and have no motivation to do anything with your day?

You lay in bed and sleep on and off for 12 hours straight, waking up every so often to notice that time doesn’t seem to be passing because Speed is still on, which means you’ve only been asleep for, like, 20 minutes (in actuality AMC played Speed 7 times today. What. The. Hell?) so you might as well go back to sleep because Jeff Daniels hasn’t even been blown up yet.

Don't mind me, I'm just sittin' here bein' adorable.

Can I talk about J.D. for just a sec?

I love him. Plain and simple as that, I love him.

Let’s take a brief look at some of his movies, shall we? Except for Speed.

Fuck Speed.

Arachnophobia (1990)

He’s Dr. Ross Jennings, a small town doctor, father and husband. He’s completely precious in every way and gosh darnit! Why can’t the old fuddy-duddies in this town realize he’s on to something with this whole “spider thing” dammit?!?!

They should have listened to him sooner.

Also, notable for John Goodman’s performance as Delbert.

Also, notable again, because I remember when we saw it in the movie theatre my Dad left right as the spider shit started to hit the fan and went to go watch (I think) Die Hard 2 in the instead.

A “thrillomedy?” Really?!?! That’s badass, why have I never heard that word before!??! Apparently, this term refers only to Arachnophobia, Reaper & Chuck. Huh, who knew?

Pleasantville (1998)

I will cry every single time I watch this movie. This time our Jeff goes totally against type and plays the adorable, understanding, sweet diner owner, Bill Johnson. Oh, wait…nope, that’s totally his type and I love it. He likes to paint and love Joan Allen from afar while suffering silently as the mean old fuddy-duddies in the town throw trashcans through his window. They’re mean and he’s awesome. Tears. Every. Single. Time.

I do love a movie where you get sucked into the TV.

Paper Man (2009)

Fantastic movie!! FANTASTIC!! Mildly depressing, but fantastic. J.D. is Richard Dunn, adorable, misunderstood struggling writer. He’s married to Lisa Kudrow, but not quirky, lovable, Phoebe-Lisa-Kudrow, more like the Phoebe in the alternate universe of that one Friends episode where Monica was still fat.

Anyhoo…he meets Emma Stone and the two become besties. He has an imaginary friend that’s a superhero (played by that Ryan Reynolds fella’ from the hit show Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place.) Eventually, their friendship is misunderstood by his stupid fuddy-duddy wife and his house is trashed by mean fuddy-duddy teenagers, but he hangs in there and never stops being adorable. I called the “surprise twist ending” about half-way through, but guessing movie endings is my superpower. I highly suggest you watch this. If only to watch the movie where Emma Stone and Kieran Culkin fell in love.

It’s good, ya’ll. For reals.

Now to watch some Game of Thrones and maybe take a nap before watching creepy Skinny-Jonah-Hill on SNL.

Let’s bring this full circle and watch J.D. on SNL.

Enjoy your commercial, then enjoy the adorable.

Tee For Tuesdays – Lou Costello Meets The Wolfman

6 Mar

Yeah, yeah, I know…it was really Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, but for the purpose of today’s post it stands.

Today is Lou Costello’s birthday, which made me think about when Lou met the Wolfman (among others) which made me think of Phil’s quote from last week’s Modern Family:

“It’s like when the Wolfman, Dracula and Frankenstein show up in the same movie….EXCEPT IT’S NOT AWESOME!!”

Which made me think about wolf t-shirts, which brings me to today’s t-shirts which ARE Awesome!!!

“I’m sorry…did you say “shirts?” Plural??!!?”

Why, yes, yes I did. Ladies & Gentlemen I give to you…a DOUBLE DOSE of…

CJack & Bestie Cori's Wolfpack

First, ONE MAN WOLFPACK

WHY: I like Zach Galifianakis and he makes me happy (not that you could tell that from the picture). Also it’s super soft and a lovely shade of navy blue.

WHERE: I’m too embarrassed to tell you where I got it.

AWESOME BECAUSE: ZACH GALIFIANAKIS!!!!

Side Note: It was really, REALLY sunny out…clearly I wasn’t as prepared as the Menfolk in this picture.

Now, because I like things to come full circle, I present to you TEE #2 – THREE TEEN WOLF MOON!!! Modeled by that devastatingly handsome fella’ in the Wolfpack picture (the big one, not the tiny one.)

Bask in his glory.

WHY: Christmas gift from CJack

WHERE: 80sTees.com – Super awesome t-shirt website!! Go. Buy. NOW!

AWESOME BECAUSE: Did you not read the name of the shirt? Only slightly better than the original. Contains totally different powers though. When you wear it, it makes you Awesome at basketball, a bit shaky, but still Awesome.


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