Tag Archives: Celebrities

In Defense of Miley Cyrus: Part I – The Tongue

27 Aug

This is the first, in what may or may not be a multi-part “In Defense of Miley” oeuvre that I’ll keep adding to until people stop talking about it.

I mean really, I’ve never seen such mass hysteria over a pop star before…..geeze.

I didn’t watch the VMA’s Sunday night. I did, however, watch the video of Miley Cyrus’ performance. I had seen Facebook status after Facebook status, describing it as “disgusting,” “WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?!?!?,” “I weep for our country,” “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore,” “If I was her mother…,” “Does Miley Cyrus actually think sticking her tongue out like that is attractive??!”

 That last one stopped me. Maybe it was the use of the word “attractive.” As a young woman with a penchant for blue humor and unbiased love for fart jokes, I heard crap like that all the time. “Oh…that’s attractive.” The sarcasm dripping off that word like it was melting. “Come on now Caitlin, that’s not very attractive…” as I aped a joke lifted from some boy who’d gotten primo laughs with it just the day before. I was just doing something I thought was fun or funny and a fart joke never killed anyone so I was (and still am) confused when I was chastised for not making myself attractive to people. Who am I supposed to be attracting? What if my whole goal was to be unattractive? Why is that such a bad thing? People do weird, gross shit for any number of reasons. I have a friend who cracks their knuckles all the time and a friend who loves to give people Wet Willies and another who can burp the alphabet. Sometimes, I enjoy timing my farts so they sound like my ass is talking to people or singing along to the Mario Brothers Theme Song (I don’t care what my Husband says, it’s f’ing hilarious). Miley sticks out her tongue. It’s just one of these things that we do.   

Hannah Montana circa 2008 or "Before She Was Scary."

Hannah Montana circa 2008 or “Before She Was Scary.”

And it’s not as if she came up with this horrifically offensive tongue wagging just to terrify you Sunday night and make you clutch your children and decry Miley as a Hypersexual Hell Beast From Crotchgrabia.

She’s a grown woman (some may argue that 20 does not a woman make, but that’s an entirely different argument) whose penchant for sticking out her tongue has become somewhat of a thing for her, putting on a show intended to freak people out and launch a thousand Tweets. What do you know? It worked.

 I’m pretty sure MC wasn’t trying to shock the world’s population in these pictures. Chances are, she was probably, “just bein’ Miley.”

  HOW DARE YOU!?!??!!? THERE’S A CHILD NEXT TO YOU! Wait…is that James Woods behind you?

 

If my tongue was that big I’d want to liberate it from its mouth cage too. Give her a break on the tongue thing, ok? Chillax.

You Slut.

You Slut.

To Be Continued…..in In Defense of Miley Cyrus: Part II – The Crotch Grab

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The Universe Is Communicating With Me Via Blog Stats.

1 May

We all know that our brains find patterns in things. We connect seemingly random happenings and coincidences into grand scenarios of meaning. I’m not sure why we do this. Maybe to reassure ourselves that there’s some meaning to this f’d up world, that we’re not just sitting idly by, blind to what happens to us or where the day takes us. If we can see enough of these connections then maybe we can use them to control our destinies. Maybe if we just look hard enough, we can save lives….just like Kiefer Sutherland. Maybe.

So, this happened.

My blog stats are talking to me. I can keep going...5+6=11, 21+26=47, 4+7=11

I could do this shit all day.

This is what my brain does almost constantly.

I see “omens.” If I audition for The Crucible, that night Daniel Day Lewis shows up at my house it’s on TV. When I was planning my wedding, every TV show and song on the radio was about a damn wedding. When your period is late, every commercial you see if for baby crap.

You never noticed? Well, congrats, you probably will now. 

You’re welcome.

So just what was Come On, Mr. Sunshine trying to tell me on Friday?

Well, it could be a number (pun intended) of things:

  • Maybe it really wants me to enjoy the sweet sound of R.E.M. and Nirvana as both “Man on the Moon” and “Lithium” have 56 “yeahs” in them. 
  • It’s telling me that I’m destined to play Marilyn Monroe in Bombshell because Joe DiMaggio had a base hit in 56 consecutive games with the Yankees in 1941.
  • It thinks I’m adorable and is connecting that to the fact that apparently Shirley Temple wore exactly 56 curls in her hair.
  • My blog admires my independence and as there were 56 signatures on the Declaration of Independence in 1776.
  • It’s warning me of some sort of Apocalyptic disaster by alerting me to pay attention to Aristole’s theory that there are 56 layers of the Universe.
  • Then there’s all this crap about the Aubrey holes at Stonehenge.

I guess we’ll never know…

All of the information above came from Wikipedia, because I’m lazy.

Awkward Celebrity Encounters Part II: LeVar Burton Did Something Weird To My Eye!!!

24 Feb

Previously at Come On, Mr. Sunshine….

I spoke of my virtual encounter with Roseanne Barr yesterday. It didn’t end well, but it was on Twitter, so who give a shiz, right? It’s not like I actually met her in real life and she up and smacked me or something…it’s not as if I ran into her in a bar somewhere and woke up the next morning looking less like CJack and more like Rocky Dennis. No….the World wanted to save that for my encounter with Gordie “Reading Rainbow” LaForge.

Click Me! Awesome Blog Alert!

‘Member yesterday when I told you about meeting Comic Con celebrities at the hotel bar? Well, I was sitting by my lonesome when I noticed the dude across from me was staring my way. Then I noticed it wasn’t my devistating beauty that had captivated him…it was his:

The guy took a picture with LeVar, who was nothing but lovely and went and sat back down. Just then KJack got there and sat down on the other side of me creating a LeVar Burton-KJack Sandwich with a CJack center. It. Was. Awesome.

Then the bartender declined my credit card and I had to pay for my Miller Lite in change while LeVar looked on….

Then I told him that, this one time, the Reading Rainbow theme was my ringtone….

Then, when the bartender brought him over a drink from the guy from before, I half mumbled…

“He can take a picture with me if it gets me a free drink!” *insert horrible awkward CJack laugh*

LeVar: Sure!

silence…more silence….

LeVar: Well, I’m going to go…did uh, did you want that picture?

silence

KJack: Uh, Caitlin, he’ll take a picture with you!

CJack: What? Oh, you want to take a picture with me? Yeah, I mean, yes, sure!

LeVar: You asked me for one, right?

CJack: …..yes…..

(no….but I want one)
When CJackKittycat met LeVar Burton

CJack and LeVar....in happier times.

It. Was. Awesome. Again. I LOVE HIM!!!!!!! Truly, I do. I always have! When I was little I didn’t care what he said, I always took his “word for it.”  It was a pleasure to meet him and he couldn’t have been more wonderful. He said goodnight and off he went to his quarters hotel room.

Approx. 9 hours later I woke up to this:

What. The. Fuck.

When you wake up with your eye swollen shut you think back to all the things that could have caused it. Did I eat something weird? No. Did you rub your face on something? New shirt? Different soap? Did you touch someone…did you SQUISH YOUR FACE UP TO SOMEONE?!?!?! HOLY SHIT!!! LEVAR BURTON DID SOMETHING WEIRD TO MY EYE!!!!!!!!!

This is clearly some sort of disease he picked up while doing whatever it is the Away Team does when no one’s watching!

Don't freaking touch it Geordi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Patient Zero

You’ve ruined me LaForge!!

Once I’d deduced that I had obviously been infected via eye to eye contact with someone who has been on multiple planets and who probably never sanitized his visor properly, I knew it must have been that fateful night in Ten-Forward  Hyatt Red Bar.

In actuality the culprit behind my new face was probably not an allergic reaction to Handsome nor was LeVar the Typhoid Mary of whatever the dude in the above picture had, but it sure as hell is a lot more interesting than what really happened….

Likes: Eyes; Dislikes: John Goodman

 ….this guy.

Awkward Celebrity Encounters Part I: Roseanne Barr Blocked Me On Twitter

23 Feb

I love Roseanne. I watched it religiously. I still watch it. I was the same age as DJ, I had the personality of Darlene and had Becky’s bubble butt. This was my perfect sitcom. The writing was far superior to that of the other sitcoms on at the time. Up until the final season, there was rarely, if ever, a need for the quirky filler episodes and broad comedy that plagued Full House and Boy Meets World (which I still totally loved, but for very different reasons). There was no need for an “Urkle” or a “Balki,” although Laurie Metcalf’s “Jackie” seemed to be pushed into that role towards the end.

Although a parody, it's eventually what she became.

In a year, I'll actually be forced to be "wacky."

See?

I didn’t know it at the time, but the Roseanne episodes that struck me the most were penned by someone I’d grow up to have a massive fangirl brain boner for; Joss Whedon.

I will argue to the death that “Brain Dead Poet’s Society” is the most fantastic piece of television ever produced. EVER. So Whedon fans note: Before he wrote any inspirational speeches for the Scoobies or lyrics for NPH (scroll to the end of the post for examples of both), he crawled inside my head (and the heads of every other 12 year old girl who used a big mouth and a penchant for sarcasm to cover up how utterly terrifying it was to be a 12 year old girl) and said this:

To whom it concerns, Darlene’s work will be late
It fell on her pancakes and stuck to her plate.
To whom it concerns, my mom made me write this,
But I’m just a kid, so how could I fight this
To whom it concerns, I lost my assignment,
Maybe I’ll get lucky…solitary confinement
To whom it concerns, Darlene’s great with the ball,
But guys don’t watch tomboys when they’re cruising the hall.
To whom it concerns, I just turned thirteen,
Too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen
To whom it concerns, I’m not made of steel,
When I get blindsided my pain is quite real.
I don’t mean to squawk, but it really burns.
I just thought I’d mention it…to whom it concerns.

It was a fantastic show. I loved the Conners and the love I felt for the humor and the heart this show had grew to encompass the entire cast simply because they were a part of something I loved. They will forever have my admiration…even if they block me on Twitter.

The Story:

I was very new to Twitter. I’d learned about hashtags and followed appropriately. I didn’t sign up for every celebrity Twitter feed I could find. I was choosy. I had almost 12 followers that weren’t even my real-life friends! I was on a roll dammit! This was around the same time Roseanne’s Nuts was airing on Lifetime. I watched every episode, this was my Roseanne after all. I still loved her! I followed her and boyfriend Johnny on Twitter. I read every single one of their political and socially conscious tweets.

Meryl Streep was also in this. For reals.

I noticed that a lot of strangers spent a whole lot of energy calling her names and responding with an unreasonable amount of anger towards someone who’s major contribution to the world (other than Roseanne) was She-Devil. She’s not in charge of foreign policy here, people. She can be as bat-shit crazy as she wants and I promise you, it will never affect you in any way. Unless, that is, she yells at you on Twitter or something.

I hadn’t quite grasped the subtleties of retweets vs. replies and I sure as feck didn’t think anyone was really reading them. Roseanne likes to retweet the negative replies she receives. So I tried to make a funny and seem like a totally with-it chick. I saw one of these and thought this was my opportunity to be bold and let The Great Roseanne Barr know that we were destined to be Besties by commenting on how that person was totes lame and I was totes awesome.

PICTURED: Embarrassment.


See what I did there? No? I retweeted a retweet that was originally a reply and added “Really? Are you new?” and then followed it up with an explanation tweet (which I neglected to realize wouldn’t even been see by Roseanne) about “flouncing,” a made-up word from a niche blog. I thought I was freaking brilliant. In actuality, I’m a freaking dumbass.

I’m also painfully aware that this is incredibly hard to follow. Blogging is hard…hang in there Reader, I’ll get better.

What you don’t see is what happened when Roseanne got involved…

TheRealRoseanne: @CJackKittycat @k______ ITS NOT BILE HONEY ITS TRUTH!!!!!

shit.

The next day…

To Whom It Concerns, I Suck At Twitter.

I believe my mistake here was three fold: One – Using the term “flounce” which is apparently only used amongst the Regretsy crowd. Two – I obviously find it difficult to say things in only 140 characters without muddling the intent. Three – Attempting to kiss Roseanne Barr’s ass on the follow-up.

In essence, I tried to be funny while communicating with an idol via a social networking site that I have yet to master (Ashton Kutcher can do it for Christ’s sake, how hard could it be?!?!?). It backfired and I looked like an asshole. And if you’ll notice in the above screenshot,  Roseanne “hates assholes.”

In a brief moment of unrealistic panic I thought, “Now Roseanne’s mad at me!!!!” So I tried to explain myself to Johnny, but he (rightfully) ignored me and went right back to tweeting about #occupying something.

It definitely bummed me out for a few weeks and I’ve put that Roseanne tattoo on the back burner for now…but I do realize that all these years it wasn’t Roseanne Barr that I loved. It was Roseanne Conner and Dan and Darlene and Bonnie and Mark and David and Nana Mary…this world we live in now presents far too many opportunities to “get to know” the person behind the character with reality shows and Twitter and TMZ and maybe it’s not such a good idea. It’s not fair to them and it’s not fair to us. We can broadcast our crazy/passions/beliefs/ideals/opinions all across the interweb and it’s likely that not many people will care. An actor does it and all of a sudden we get our feelings hurt because we really loved them, that one time, when they were somebody else.

What’s that saying? Never meet your heroes kid…


Check back tomorrow for

Part II: LeVar Burton Did Something Weird To My Eye.

EXAMPLE A – Joss Likes Speeches

EXAMPLE B – He Also Writes Groovy Tunes

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