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The ABC’s of the Zombie Apocalypse – C is for CONSEQUENCE (Part II)

6 Nov

A few weeks ago I wrote Part I of the third letter in my little Alphabetical Zombie Survival Guide. For the 4 of you that read it I promised more….I know you’re simply dying for part II aren’t you? Well, here you go.

This post only contains Walking Dead spoilers through Season 2…It doesn’t have spoilers from this last episode….but it should because IT IS TOTALLY RELEVANT…but I digress…

When you Google Image Search “part two” you get a lot of depressed Robert Pattinsons.

In the first part I wrote about Carl’s douchebaggary in Season 2 of TWD when he threw rocks at the mud-stuck Walker which eventually lead to the brutal murder of Dale. I laid out the possible reactions to this scenario and then explored the possible consequences of each of those possible reactions. But why is it even important to weigh the pros & cons of every decision, every seemingly minute action? Here’s why…

Damn kids.

I understand why scenes like the mud-stuck Walker exist in TWD world. I get why Carl behaved the way he did. He’s a kid, we’re supposed to see that despite all the growing up this kid had had to do in the past months, he’s still just a kid that doesn’t have any sense of the world he’s living in. He’s Vada and Thomas J throwing rocks at the beehive. He’s curious and he’s scared but without the tools to predict the consequences of your actions, curiosity and fear are deadly and stupid.

The Zombie Apocalypse is not a world without consequence. It’s a world where the consequences are:

  • A) This will get me or someone I love eaten.
  • B) I won’t be eaten today.

That’s it; those are your two choices now. Will this end horrifically or will I live to fight another day?

Look at Lori.

No wonder Carl’s a mess, his mother is She of the Bad Decisions. Do you think she ever thought about the consequences of making sweet, sweet Apocalypse love (to two people no less!) while smack dab in the middle of a ZA? Sex leads to pregnancy (stay safe, kids) and getting pregnant will inevitably lead to the death of you, your baby, anybody you’re currently responsible for and anybody who’s currently responsible for you. For the last months of your pregnancy you’re going to be at a physical disadvantage. For the entire duration you’re going to be mentally disadvantaged, because everything you do will be colored with the safety of that baby. If you already have children, their safety is now at risk because you’ve got more on your mind now, don’t you? Who knocked you up? Was it your Husband? He’s now at a higher risk of being eaten because you’re a liability now.

I firmly believe that Kelly Taylor is the “Lori” of the 90210 group.

Do you even know who knocked you up? Was it your Husband or was it his best friend? Now you have the added bonus that maybe they’ll be a macho duel for your love and one of them will kill the other before anyone even has the opportunity to become lunch.

How is this going to affect your group? Other women in your group will more than likely be “assigned” to you in your time of need. What if she has kids of her own to look after? Now they’re at risk because their “protector” is busy birthing your baby. And let’s not forget that once the baby’s born all bets are off. The baby is a wailing zombie magnet. There are limited if any supplies to provide and care for a baby.

I was going to put a picture of Fred Phelps up as my “Religious Zealot,” but it was far too creepy. Enjoy Kevin Smith’s version instead.

What happens when one of you, the one who has run through the potential scenarios of your group’s survival, makes the hard decision and kills that baby for the good of the many or for the protection of their own child or because they take it upon themselves to deliver that baby into the hands of God with a mercy killing (it takes all kinds in a ZA – you’ll more than likely have a religious zealot or two in your gang).

What’s that going to do to your “family?” You’ve put multiple lives at risk all because you didn’t look at the potential consequences of your midnight bone session.

In the Zombie Apocalypse, oral sex is King and the King can save your life.

I’m not saying that everyone should automatically know how to predict the future, but when the zombie shit hits the fan and that shit is made up of bits and pieces of you and/or your loved ones it’s time to start changing the way you think. You won’t always make the right choices, but when you start to realize that every single decision you make (or don’t make) has the potential consequence of brutal death then at least you’ll be on the right track. It’s time to start imagining the worst because you now live in a world where the worst possible thing you can imagine happening, just happened to that guy over there because yesterday his group used up their ammunition shooting swinging trees and today he’s nothing but a big piece of meat with an empty gun in his hand.

For the love of God don’t Google “meat mask” at work. I’m on some sort of list now, I just know it.

From Angela Chase to Zombie Girl: A Trip Down Halloween Costume Lane

30 Oct

Hi again! I have more past costumes to share and I have pictures from this weekend’s Halloweening.

What was I you asked? I was “Max” from 2 Broke Girls. My friend Sarah was “Caroline” and KJack was “Oleg.” I’m pretty dang proud of us this year. We did a friggin’ sweet job if I do say so myself. Take a look….

The Real Deal

The Halloween Edition w/ CJack, KJack & Sarah

It’s a damn shame that we weren’t anywhere with a costume contest because we totally would have won all the prizes….once people figured out who we were. Poor Sarah was stuck for 3 hours without me and KJack and while some people shouted “Caroline Channing!” at her, she got some “Are you a slutty waitress?” Ugh. Once the band was back together all was right in the Halloween world. Oh! As my “Caroline” was outside in front of the bar, some chick walked by and said her friend wrote for the show and wanted our picture, so that was pretty groovy! Beth Behrs retweeted our picture and the few compliments from 2 Broke Girls fans were pretty cool. The one dude who pointed out that we weren’t as “hot” as the originals apparently felt the need to both tweet the obvious and rain on my parade, but alas, ’tis hard being a star. 

Keeping in theme with my last post here’s some more side-by-sides of Halloweens past. Enjoy!

ANGELA CHASE FROM MY SO-CALLED LIFE

“School is a battlefield…for your heart.”

HOW TO: Overalls, flannel, Doc Martens, red shoulder-length hair, heaps of teen angst. Maybe the easiest costume of them all.

DARLENE CONNER FROM ROSEANNE

To whom it concerns, this costume is awesome.

HOW TO: Recycle the teen angst from last year’s “Angela” costume and add sarcasm and wit and you have Darlene. Also Needed: Long, black curly wig, black combat boots, black sweater, black jeans, chicken shirt. I will warn you that this was pretty much the only year that not a single person knew who I was. One guy did get close by yelling “Hey! You’re dressed up as Roseanne!” at me. I thought the wig was a dead give-away, but apparently not. joy.

LUCY FROM BOARDWALK EMPIRE

Oh, Paz.

I know, I know, I was really just in a semi-generic 1920’s costume, but we told everyone we were “Nucky & Lucy.”

HOW TO: Lie.

LITTLE ZOMBIE GIRL FROM THE WALKING DEAD

Grrlglghghlghhrhhgh…

This was last year’s costume. I’ll take all the accolades please. Thank you.

HOW TO: I just went out and got replicas (as close as I could) of the pieces of her costume. Bunny slippers, blonde wig, white robe (burned and torn), pink pajamas. As for the face, used copious amounts of liquid latex and toilet paper and found a Youtube tutorial where some guy shows you how to use a paperclip and a rubber band to hold your face open. For some reason, I can’t find the original video, but I’ll keep looking and update this if I find it! I’m still pissed that I put my forehead wound on the wrong side.

As you can see, I’m a big fan of Pop Culture TV costumes. So are my friends.

Bethenny Frankel & Max – Besties for life.

We drank Skinnygirl wine all night…it did not make me skinny, but it made me drunk enough that I didn’t care.

The ABC’s of the Zombie Apocalypse – C is for CONSEQUENCE (Part I)

25 Oct

**Contains all the spoilers for all The Walking Dead**

We’re days away from the season 3 premier episode 3 of The Walking Dead on AMC. It’s been almost 7 months since we left Rick and the rest of the survivors and I didn’t know how much I missed them until I started re-watching the series today 3 weeks ago. Like, really…really missed them. Mostly just Rick though…the others are a big batch of annoying that just seem to make Rick’s life difficult if you ask me.

Anyhoo…the premier of the new TWD season coupled with the impending arrival of Halloween and the fact that I haven’t written anything in what feels like a bajillion years has led me to this, the third entry in………

The ABC’s of The Zombie Apocalypse:

C is for Consequence!

“C” became “Consequence” because of another “C,” Carl.  Who I may have called by another “C” word often during Season 2, but I digress…

Here’s my Carl conundrum; His pre-teen douchbaggary is 100% responsible for killing Dale. 100%. He made a very specific choice to act like an asshole. His decision to throw rocks at the Stuck-in-the-Mud-Walker followed by his inability to kill said walker led to Dale’s death.

It’s like Alien Vs. Predator, but with more facial hair and elderly man-sass.

I’m not going to fault him for freaking out once the walker started to get loose and being unable to take it down. He’s a kid. I get it, but he failed to foresee any consequences to his actions and that’s why Dale’s dead. If, instead of completely ignoring Carl and then spending obscene amounts of time looking for him once he fucked off somewhere, Lori and the rest of the gang had been teaching him valuable lessons in cause & effect, perhaps Dale would be alive and still be competing with Hershel for the “Wise Old Guy” position of the group. A few conversations about logic would have been more beneficial than Shane’s how-to-catch-frogs tutorial. 

Now, let’s walk through this particular scenario:

OVER 40 POSSIBLE ENDINGS!!! NOT ALL OF THEM END IN HORRIFIC DEATH!! (ALTHOUGH MOST OF THEM DO)

Boy sees restrained Walker.

Boy has 3 choices:

  1. Kill walker
  2. Alert a sane adult (there’s got to be a few around here somewhere, right?) or….
  3. ACT LIKE AN FUCKING ASSHOLE KID AND THROW ROCKS AT IT.

Now to explore the consequences of the only three viable options:

Comic Book Carl doesn’t fuck around.

1. Kill walker – Carl has a gun. He’s seen how they’re used and practiced shooting. The walker is restrained and stationary. It’s a perfect opportunity to man-up and take the opportunity to face what it’s going to be like to kill something. You know you’re going to have to do it eventually, kid, and here you have one wrapped up in a nice neat meat bow just for you.

CONSEQUENCE: Walker’s no longer a threat. Self satisfaction in eliminating the threat on your own. Mental & physical preparation for a necessary and vital act you’ll need to perform nearly everyday of the rest of your life while living during the Zombie Apocalypse.

2. Alert Sane* Adult – You’re still a hero kid! Go tell Rick! Dale! Daryl! Glenn! T-Dog! (Poor T-Dog, one would think “Where’s T-Dog?” would be just as common an inquiry as “Where’s Carl?”)

They always make T-Dog take the picture.

CONSEQUENCE: Sane adult kills walker and identifies this area of the woods as un-explored and potentially dangerous leading to a sweep of the area and the potential elimination of more walkers.

NO!

*It would be counter-productive to go to one of the batshit crazy survivors like Shane, Lori, Andrea or Hershel because you can’t predict the actions of crazy people and the whole point of this exercise is to logically predict the consequences of various reactions to a problem and then choose the safest, most helpful course of action that does not, in any way, end with Dale being disemboweled.

I thought an Instagram filter would make him look more like a douche. I was right.

3. Throw Rocks At It –Instead of reveling in the luck that you’ve stumbled upon a vicious killing machine that is paying zero attention to you and is unable to move, you start chucking rocks at it. While this is a brave and valiant choice when attempting to lure a walker away from its intended victim, it’s pure dumbass douchieness to do this in any other situation.

CONSEQUENCE: Walker is annoyed. Walker now smells food. Walker has all the time in the world to work his way out of his mud prison and follow that smell to food source, i.e. your friends and family. Eats Dale.

Close enough.

This post was of epic length and my lunch break is almost over….stay tuned for Part II where I get all philosophical about more crap that isn’t real.

To be continued….

This has nothing to do with the actual post, but contains the words “stay tuned” and is a fantastic movie.

What I Did Over My Summer Vacation…

10 Jul

Hello Friends! I’m back, but currently out of action. Had a fantastic time with Family Weber and am sickly. Here’s a sneak peek at what we spent one of our days doing…

Is that a vagina on your face or are you just happy to see me?

She Came Back.

Comics, Costumes & More Awkward Celebrity Encounters: Our Adventure at C2E2, 2012

18 Apr

Hey…wanna’ know what I did this weekend? No?

Tough.

It was the third annual Chicago Comic & Entertainment Expo (C2E2) at McCormick Place – I got my groovy Stephen King tattoo back in 2010 at the first one.

C2E2, 2010: Check out Kelly Rogers at Gearhead Tattoo! Hurray!

The second year I went by myself and wandered aimlessly for about 3 hours before coming home with only a  leather diary thing that I still haven’t given to its intended recipient. Sorry Cori.

This year, however, was pretty f’ing decent if I do say so myself. KJack and I had to wait until Sunday to go which is usually the shittiest of days to attend a Con, but this year it was badass!

We're Grimey.

He's not in the house.

KJack wore his Rick Grimes Halloween costume and because I knew that a full zombie face make-up was gauranteed to have me itchy and irritated by noon, I opted to dress as Lori (which consisted of wearing clothes I already had and rolling my jeans up too high while screaming “Where’s Carl!??!” all day) instead of the Little Zombie Girl.

Last I heard, he was in the house.

The Con started at 10am and in classic K&CJack form we got there an hour later…whatevs, time means nothing to the nerdy.

Kirk immediately stopped at a t-shirt booth where we got matching Game of Thrones shirts for House Targaryen. I’m now immediately irritated because I need to look at everything first before I start deciding to spend money and I’m incapable of stopping at booths with pushy salespeople without buying something. God love ’em, WWF Wrestler Virgil is $25 richer due to the stellar combination of KJack stopping every time someone talks to him and my desire to just buy something so they’ll let me go away.

You win. Here's $25.

As my Mother has an unhealthy love for John Barrowman and because I’m an awesome daughter, I stood in line for an hour and a half to get her his autograph. I don’t generally do autographs as I feel like a goon once I get up there and I have no clue what I’ll do with them once I have them and also, because I’m of the assumption that they’ll want my autograph in a few years anyway so we may as well do an even swap then, but stood in line I did.

I've never seen more people dressed like a phone booth in my entire life.

Who knows where the hell KJack went while I was playing Draw Something and Words With Friends…maybe he was looking for Carl.

I did finally make it up to Barrowman, who seemed to loose interest in me when I said “Can you sign this for my Mom?” He was nice and all, but it felt like a Rex Manning moment and I think he thought I was some douchebag who didn’t care about him. He’s so wrong. I love him. Even if he was slightly bitchy…hell, I love him BECAUSE he’s slightly bitchy. There was a group of four chicks in their 50’s ahead of me that were wearing t-shirts that said BARROWLAND BRIGADE. I don’t know what it is about middle aged women and adorable gay men, but they were pretty stoked.

I wanted to tell him that The Making of Me was the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen, that he was totally at the top of the “Celebrities That Could Come To My BBQ” list, that I think he’s probably one of the kindest, most decent people on Earth, that I’d give my left tit to sing just one verse of one song with him!! Instead, I asked him “How he was holding up” and said “My Mom loves you…we all love you.”

Then KJack took our picture and I ran away.

Pay no attention to the man behind the Time Agent.

While in line I caught glimpses of Nicky Brendon to the left and Val Kilmer  a table to the right.

I don't know where he went...the house, maybe?

I was on Buffy...remember Buffy?

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I do love an Awkward Celebrity Encounter.

Moving on…

From there we hit Artist Alley where KJack geeked out all over Eric Powell and while he totally wanted to buy something of his, most everything was sold out and all Powell had left was a book full of fucking awesome giant panels for hundreds of dollars. I suggested KJack start blowing people near the bathrooms and then perhaps we could come back for some sweetass artwork….that didn’t pan out.

It was here we had our Virgil moment and after trying to walk away 6 times we finally succeeded when the guy at the table next to him gave me a flyer for something…I wish I could remember what he was promoting because I owe him my life.

Then we ran into a guy Kirk went to High School with, Steve Gadlin, who was selling cat drawings. Apparently this dude’s a genius because he went on Shark Tank with this idea and Mark Cuban gave him a shitload of money. He’s hilarious. Go. Check him out at I Want To Draw A Cat For You! I’m going to insist he become our new Best Friend. I’m quite sure he won’t mind.

At this point my feet hurt and I’ve looked everywhere for Carl, but to no avail.

Not Carl.

Quite a few people stopped KJack for his picture but very few got that I was supposed to be Lori. This may have been due to the fact that I look too…shall we say…well-fed. I’ve searched through thousands of pictures from Sunday, but I can’t find me anywhere! At least three people took pity on me and let me be in Rick’s picture, but they clearly don’t post to Flickr.

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.I took one picture with one dude in costume and it. was. divine. I love you, Guy-Dressed-As-DJ-Lance-Rock.

.So that was C2E2 2012. We got a bunch of crap and had a great time. My feet tried to kill me and I refused to take public transportation home. A $30 cab ride later and we were home.

PICTURED: JB & V's autographs, California Raisins, Muppet Caper McDonald's glass, Gremlin book and audio record, 90210 "big button," Married With Children game, All In The Family game, NBC Trivia game, Shaolin Cowboy comic, Crossed comic, 2 Game of Thrones t-shirts, 1 Shining t-shirt, 1 Firefly t-shirt, Mal's replica hand gun, Tony Moore Rick Grimes autographed print, Dynamite Magazine and four Janet Lee prints. NOT PICTURED: Carl.


The ABC’s of the Zombie Apocalypse – B is for BRAIIINNNSSS!

12 Mar

Today’s post will contain absolutely NO SPOILERS about Walking Dead…However, I’m dying to talk about it!! Next time, C is for CONSEQUENCE and I’ll have plenty to say…so make sure you’re caught up by then. So, today, I give you…

B is for BRAAIIINNNSS!

So we all know that Zombies eat brains, right?

I mean, that’s what the t-shirts tell us so it MUST be true!

PICTURED: Uninformed T-Shirt & A Shot Ski

Except they don’t, do they?

As I think back on what I know of Zombies, I can’t for the life of me remember one instance where a staggering, undead version of grandma ever really got down to it and took a bone saw to someone’s skull in order to get to the delicious brains inside. That seems like a whole hell of a lot of work for a species that isn’t particularly known for problem solving.

In fact, they seem to go for whatever is within biting distance.

Faces tend to get eaten a lot. And why not? When you’re standing face to rotting face the easiest thing to do is reach out, grab head, pull forward, eat face. I guess we could assume that the beeline towards the face could be an indication that they’re aiming for brains in their bellies and not cheek skin, but I don’t think so.

George Romero doesn’t think so either. Apparently Dan O’Bannon is to blame.

However, the concept of human brains as the Zombie equivalent to Aspirin seems to have died with O’Bannon’s foray into Zombie flicks.

Yet, when it comes to merchandising, it’s stuck.

Games, Blogs, Dessert Plates, Headbands, etc…

Lunch Bags even.

There seems to be no end to the production & creation of things (Totally cool things, no less!) that tell us that Zombies eat brains.

But they don’t, do they?

Have we all been lied to by the media? Is someone trying to hide the truth by feeding us misinformation!?!?

Just what are we, the brave survivors of this Zombie Apocalypse, supposed to believe?!!

Look, here’s the dilly, yo. Zombies don’t eat brains, but they sure as shit WANT brains, because they know they’re missing.

We’re mistakenly led to believe that when the Undead head for our heads it’s because their bellies crave the gray matter. When we hear the occasional Zombie, who’s lungs and trachea haven’t yet rotted, mutter “braaaiiinnnnssss,” we are conditioned to think that it’s like a hungry bear’s roar or a starving rabid dog’s bark. This makes it all the more easy to take them down, put them out of their misery. They’re just the husks of people after all. Mindless, hungry for brains and human flesh monsters with absolutely no connection to the person they once were.

Are you sure about that?

Let’s look at TWD‘s first episode. That little girl stopped and picked up that teddy bear.

Why come? Is she hungry for sweet, delicious plush brains? No. She remembers it. The brain (or part of the brain) is what’s keeping these Zombies up and running after all. So why wouldn’t there be some remnants of the person that once was?

Maybe we’re led to believe that a Zombie’s only desire for brains is of the evil, all consuming variety and not the last flailing attempts to communicate that they’re still in there somewhere and maybe they could find their way back to life, if they only had more brains.

So why the conditioning towards the former? Maybe it’s so we don’t start locking Zombies in barns and backyard sheds. Can you imagine the programs the Post-ZA world would have to put in place to care for Pet Zombies if we didn’t destroy them all? The laws that would have to be put in place? The insurance?

Maybe our future actually looks a lot more like this…

Then again, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s no such thing as Zombies….maybe it’s all an intricate metaphor for the actual world we live in, but what would really be the fun in that?

The ABC’s of the Zombie Apocalypse – A is for AMMO

27 Feb

The suspenders keep his torso from ripping away from his legs.

I’ll preface this by saying that if you haven’t watched last night’s The Walking Dead yet you may want to hold off reading this as it’s more than likely going to contain SPOILERSThis particular post is pretty clear! No fear! (it does, however, contain rhymes.)

While these ABC’s will ideally be general guidelines for any and all zombie apocalypses*, chances are I’m writing this with T.W.D. on the brain.

A is for AMMO

In last night’s episode of T.W.D., “18 Miles Out,” our gang of survivors finally acknowledged the fact that maybe they should stop using up all their ammo on lone walkers and swinging logs. Up until this point, it’s seemed like they were working off the assumption that bullets grow on trees, so much so that Shane once spent an hour in the swamp with Andrea…shooting trees.

You shoot the damn log Andrea! That's the log that killed Amy!!!

In worlds outside of Kirkman’s T.W.D., bullets don’t flow so freely. Hell,

NOT PICTURED: Guns

if you’re in the UK you’re going want to hold onto whatever guns/bullets you can find because unlike in the US, guns aren’t as readily available. Shaun had to use that cricket bat because the time it takes to get a license for a handgun would have interfered with trivia night at the Winchester.

In my opinion, Rick’s view on ammunition conservation is that of a man who still has a unique hope. It’s not a hope that this world is going to be what it once was. It’s not even a hope for a world without Zombies. It’s a hope that they will keep surviving and will need those bullets in the years ahead. I don’t think Shane and Andrea share that hope. I also think that whatever they’ve got running around in their heads makes them reckless to boot. They don’t seem to care that gunfire attracts Zombies, because who gives a shit right? They can keep just keep knocking them off one by one because they’re ultra-amazing sharp shooting badasses and gee, doesn’t it feel awesome to put a bullet in the brain of a Walker (or a Daryl). “Look Ma! I shots one!”

Conversely, one can argue that the Shanes and Andreas of the world do have hope. They are the antithesis of the Ricks and Loris. They DO see a world without Zombies or they are at least headed towards the light at the end of the tunnel whereas Rick and Lori would rather just build a nice cozy fire in the middle of that tunnel and stay put.

I’m not sure which camp I’d be in. If I had a husband and kid maybe I’d be satisfied to hunker down and “create stability.” But if I’m on my own, do I really want to sit back and live the rest of my probably short life watching the happy family I’m not going to have and occasionally anger-banging the one or two other single guys in the group? Probably not, I’m probably going to push on and try to find out what’s going on or at least try to find a bigger pool of survivors to increase my odds of making my own little post-apocalyptic family.

So, to shoot or not to shoot? I’d say it really depends on what you’re hoping for.

If the shit hit the fan tomorrow and KJack and I made it out maybe I’d hold onto the ammo we stole from the bodega next door for the longterm, but if KJack didn’t make it and I’m on my own, then feck it, I gotta’ get through today using whatever I have on hand and if I have to find more ammo, so be it.

Or we'd just live a nice life as Zombies in love...with eating faces.

Totally Non-Zombie Related:
*This made me think of Buffy episode “A New Man,” when Riley says; “I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse” One of the best episodes of BtVS. Giles turns into a Fyarl demon and only Spike could understand him as, of course, Spike speaks Fyarl. Any time Spike and Giles were partnered it was awesome.

Here Goes…

19 Feb
  Hi.I’m CJack and I guess I’m gonna’ go ahead and get this whole “start blog” thing off the ground.This is me.

I’m not always a zombie.

I’m also not exactly sure what I’m doing and it’s taken me far too long to figure out how to even begin this blog and even longer to figure out how to post from my Touchpad, but I’m gonna’ give it a try. Hopefully, I’ll be able to entertain you every so often with posts that are mildly interesting. Thus is my plan.

Let’s do this.
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