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#Dear Marky Mark – I Beg Your Pardon?

5 Dec

Dear Marky Mark,

I get it. You are a good guy now. I like you, I do! When you were 16 you did an awful, horrible, racist, drunken, asshole thing and you were punished for it. You’re totally sorry and turned your life around. Good! That’s awesome! I’m really glad you know that beating guys up and blinding a dude was a really bad thing and you want to help other awful asshole teenagers from being awful asshole teenagers, but…and here’s where I’m confused about your request for a “pardon,” if you teach kids that they can do bad things when they’re young and eventually, (if you grow up to be a movie star and ask really nicely), you’ll be told it’s OK and your punishment will be voided and you can have a license to sell crap in your celebrity restaurant that you wouldn’t have been able to sell otherwise because of that pesky assault conviction, then we’re teaching kids that if you get rich and famous enough, you can do whatever the feck you want and someday someone will make the bad things you did go away. Maybe you think having a third nipple is punishment enough. I don’t know….but maybe you should probably not complain right now….at least, while you were running from the cops all those many years ago, you didn’t get shot in the back. You got to grow up and play a porn star and sing hip hop songs and open a burger restaurant with your mom and your brothers.

Love, a Fan.

Wahlberg Family

Mark, Paul, Mom, Donnie – Wahlburgers

I’m Still Alive….I’ve Been Cross Stitching. Don’t Be Jealous.

12 Feb

I'm Still Alive....I've Been Cross Stitching. Don't Be Jealous.

I’m still here. I swear. There should be a Zombie ABC entry coming in the near future. In the meantime, I’ve been using all available free time to cross stitch a photo realistic picture of Judy Garland hugging a teenage Liza Minnelli. Because that’s how I do.

 

You're about to be XSTITCHED!

You’re about to be XSTITCHED!

In Defense of Miley Cyrus: Part I – The Tongue

27 Aug

This is the first, in what may or may not be a multi-part “In Defense of Miley” oeuvre that I’ll keep adding to until people stop talking about it.

I mean really, I’ve never seen such mass hysteria over a pop star before…..geeze.

I didn’t watch the VMA’s Sunday night. I did, however, watch the video of Miley Cyrus’ performance. I had seen Facebook status after Facebook status, describing it as “disgusting,” “WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?!?!?,” “I weep for our country,” “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore,” “If I was her mother…,” “Does Miley Cyrus actually think sticking her tongue out like that is attractive??!”

 That last one stopped me. Maybe it was the use of the word “attractive.” As a young woman with a penchant for blue humor and unbiased love for fart jokes, I heard crap like that all the time. “Oh…that’s attractive.” The sarcasm dripping off that word like it was melting. “Come on now Caitlin, that’s not very attractive…” as I aped a joke lifted from some boy who’d gotten primo laughs with it just the day before. I was just doing something I thought was fun or funny and a fart joke never killed anyone so I was (and still am) confused when I was chastised for not making myself attractive to people. Who am I supposed to be attracting? What if my whole goal was to be unattractive? Why is that such a bad thing? People do weird, gross shit for any number of reasons. I have a friend who cracks their knuckles all the time and a friend who loves to give people Wet Willies and another who can burp the alphabet. Sometimes, I enjoy timing my farts so they sound like my ass is talking to people or singing along to the Mario Brothers Theme Song (I don’t care what my Husband says, it’s f’ing hilarious). Miley sticks out her tongue. It’s just one of these things that we do.   

Hannah Montana circa 2008 or "Before She Was Scary."

Hannah Montana circa 2008 or “Before She Was Scary.”

And it’s not as if she came up with this horrifically offensive tongue wagging just to terrify you Sunday night and make you clutch your children and decry Miley as a Hypersexual Hell Beast From Crotchgrabia.

She’s a grown woman (some may argue that 20 does not a woman make, but that’s an entirely different argument) whose penchant for sticking out her tongue has become somewhat of a thing for her, putting on a show intended to freak people out and launch a thousand Tweets. What do you know? It worked.

 I’m pretty sure MC wasn’t trying to shock the world’s population in these pictures. Chances are, she was probably, “just bein’ Miley.”

  HOW DARE YOU!?!??!!? THERE’S A CHILD NEXT TO YOU! Wait…is that James Woods behind you?

 

If my tongue was that big I’d want to liberate it from its mouth cage too. Give her a break on the tongue thing, ok? Chillax.

You Slut.

You Slut.

To Be Continued…..in In Defense of Miley Cyrus: Part II – The Crotch Grab

From Angela Chase to Zombie Girl: A Trip Down Halloween Costume Lane

30 Oct

Hi again! I have more past costumes to share and I have pictures from this weekend’s Halloweening.

What was I you asked? I was “Max” from 2 Broke Girls. My friend Sarah was “Caroline” and KJack was “Oleg.” I’m pretty dang proud of us this year. We did a friggin’ sweet job if I do say so myself. Take a look….

The Real Deal

The Halloween Edition w/ CJack, KJack & Sarah

It’s a damn shame that we weren’t anywhere with a costume contest because we totally would have won all the prizes….once people figured out who we were. Poor Sarah was stuck for 3 hours without me and KJack and while some people shouted “Caroline Channing!” at her, she got some “Are you a slutty waitress?” Ugh. Once the band was back together all was right in the Halloween world. Oh! As my “Caroline” was outside in front of the bar, some chick walked by and said her friend wrote for the show and wanted our picture, so that was pretty groovy! Beth Behrs retweeted our picture and the few compliments from 2 Broke Girls fans were pretty cool. The one dude who pointed out that we weren’t as “hot” as the originals apparently felt the need to both tweet the obvious and rain on my parade, but alas, ’tis hard being a star. 

Keeping in theme with my last post here’s some more side-by-sides of Halloweens past. Enjoy!

ANGELA CHASE FROM MY SO-CALLED LIFE

“School is a battlefield…for your heart.”

HOW TO: Overalls, flannel, Doc Martens, red shoulder-length hair, heaps of teen angst. Maybe the easiest costume of them all.

DARLENE CONNER FROM ROSEANNE

To whom it concerns, this costume is awesome.

HOW TO: Recycle the teen angst from last year’s “Angela” costume and add sarcasm and wit and you have Darlene. Also Needed: Long, black curly wig, black combat boots, black sweater, black jeans, chicken shirt. I will warn you that this was pretty much the only year that not a single person knew who I was. One guy did get close by yelling “Hey! You’re dressed up as Roseanne!” at me. I thought the wig was a dead give-away, but apparently not. joy.

LUCY FROM BOARDWALK EMPIRE

Oh, Paz.

I know, I know, I was really just in a semi-generic 1920’s costume, but we told everyone we were “Nucky & Lucy.”

HOW TO: Lie.

LITTLE ZOMBIE GIRL FROM THE WALKING DEAD

Grrlglghghlghhrhhgh…

This was last year’s costume. I’ll take all the accolades please. Thank you.

HOW TO: I just went out and got replicas (as close as I could) of the pieces of her costume. Bunny slippers, blonde wig, white robe (burned and torn), pink pajamas. As for the face, used copious amounts of liquid latex and toilet paper and found a Youtube tutorial where some guy shows you how to use a paperclip and a rubber band to hold your face open. For some reason, I can’t find the original video, but I’ll keep looking and update this if I find it! I’m still pissed that I put my forehead wound on the wrong side.

As you can see, I’m a big fan of Pop Culture TV costumes. So are my friends.

Bethenny Frankel & Max – Besties for life.

We drank Skinnygirl wine all night…it did not make me skinny, but it made me drunk enough that I didn’t care.

Anything Can Happen On Halloween…

27 Oct

I love Halloween. LOVES IT.
I loves it like Tim Curry in the Worst Witch loves it. 

One year when I was in middle school I got three of my friends to dress as characters from Rocky Horror Picture Show. I was Columbia, my friend Julie was Magenta and my friends Trent & Libby were Brad and Janet. We made Trent and Libby wear name tags. The only person who knew who we were was the mayor of Lebanon, Indiana, Jim Acton. He was in a band, so he was totally hip.

Rock & Roll Acton was the best part of Halloween that year.

My boyfriend went Trick-or-Treating with us that year…he was dressed as Dead Kurt Cobain. He seriously ruined the continuity of our costumes. Jim didn’t mind. He called his wife to come out and see us. It was rad.

Another year my best friend Lauren and I dressed up as Bert & Ernie. My Mom made us masks out of fun foam and painted them. They. were. amahzing. It rained that year and the painted faces on our masks started dripping. We went from fairly straight forward adorable costumes to horrific Sesame Street zombies. It was also rad. I think we tried to snort Pixie Stix that year (I don’t recommend this)…middle school was fun.

Anyhoo…I thought I’d use the next couple days to share some of my most recent Halloween costumes. Maybe you’re stumped for ideas. Maybe you just like nice, neat, little split screen pictures of one girl’s past Halloween attempts at greatness. Maybe you’re stalking me. Whatever the case may be, here you go.

JANIS JOPLIN

“Get it while you can.”

HOW TO: To take a generic “Hippie” costume and make her Janis you just need to add long brown hair and a one of these iconic “Janis-y” touches. A Boa on your head, the round glasses, fur boots, fur hat, bottle of Southern Comfort, lots of necklaces. I should clarify, don’t take a Halloween store “Hippie” costume because they’re always gross, but just find some vintagy normal pieces that make you look like a badass cool chick circa 1967. Be loud, be fabulous and emit an air of massive confidence to over compensate for the crippling pain and insecurity inside. Boom. Janis.

CHUCKY FROM CHILD’S PLAY

This was an attempt to overcome the childhood trauma Chucky caused. It worked…a little.

When I was 7 I saw a preview for Child’s Play on TV. Catherine Hicks checks his batteries and sees there aren’t any, then his head spins around and he says “Hi, I’m Chucky, wanna play?” It was at this exact moment in my young life that I experienced true fear. When I got home I immediately banished Baby Talk and Teddy Ruxpin to the closet, where they spent the rest of their lives locked up so they couldn’t murder me in my sleep. Chucky proceeded to terrify me from that day forward. One time I was playing a claw game in a restaurant and the stuffed animal I picked up with the claw revealed a Chucky plush doll underneath. It was horrible. Anyway…I’ve finally come to grips with my irrational fear and now love Chucky for the foul-mouthed precious old man that he is.

HOW TO: Primary colored striped shirt. Overalls. I painted the “Good Guys” logo (ok…my Mom did) and ironed on a bunch of random little kid theme patches. I bought the plastic knife and painted it like the original poster. Red tennis shoes. Red hair. Say bad words and stab people.
You are Chucky.

SHAUN FROM SHAUN OF THE DEAD

“You’ve got red on you.”

This was the same year I was “Chucky.” If I’m going out more than once I don’t like to repeat my costume…because I’m a freak. This was completely last-minute. I walked down the street to Village Discount thrift store and bought the shirt and tie. Made the name tag on the computer and blooded up.

HOW TO: White men’s button down shirt, black pants, red tie, “SHAUN” name tag from FOREE ELECTRIC. I wore the same red Chucks I wore for “Chucky.” (Pun not intended but appreciated). Splash blood on your face and paint your hands with blood and grab your shirt so there are bloody hand-prints on it. If you have a cricket bat you’re a better man than I. I just drank beer all night and talked with a British accent.

LAUREL MCGOFF FROM KID NATION

Laurel McGoff is my hero.

I already explained my love for Laurel and Kid Nation here. I miss that show. This “How To” is not how to be “Laurel” exactly, but more how to achieve what I did that year.

HOW TO: Pick an obscure character from a reality TV show that you love (no one from the Jersey Shore counts as obscure, by the way). Re-create as many of their iconic traits that you can. For example: Jeff Lewis has perfect hair and wears shirts with collars. He also has shiny plump lips. Carry some color swatches if you need to. Be prepared to explain who you are to people all night and for them to stare at you blankly when you excitedly assure them that “I look just like her!” So what did I achieve that year? The perfect joy of accomplishment when one person sees you across the room, knows exactly who you’re dressed as and thinks you are the most amazing person on Earth. They will buy you drinks all night and tell all their friends that you are the funniest, smartest person at the party/bar. I imagine that it’s fairly similar to what the actual person you’re dressed as experiences in life. You’ve become a Z-list Reality Star*. Congratulations!

That’s all for now…I have to go start putting on my costume for this year.

????

Hmmm…what could it be? There’s a hint around here someplace…if’n you need it.

Come on, guess.

*Dear Jeff Lewis, I do NOT think you’re Z-list. That was for comedy purposes. I apologize. I love you more than words. I want to be your friend. Call me, maybe?

Comics, Costumes & More Awkward Celebrity Encounters: Our Adventure at C2E2, 2012

18 Apr

Hey…wanna’ know what I did this weekend? No?

Tough.

It was the third annual Chicago Comic & Entertainment Expo (C2E2) at McCormick Place – I got my groovy Stephen King tattoo back in 2010 at the first one.

C2E2, 2010: Check out Kelly Rogers at Gearhead Tattoo! Hurray!

The second year I went by myself and wandered aimlessly for about 3 hours before coming home with only a  leather diary thing that I still haven’t given to its intended recipient. Sorry Cori.

This year, however, was pretty f’ing decent if I do say so myself. KJack and I had to wait until Sunday to go which is usually the shittiest of days to attend a Con, but this year it was badass!

We're Grimey.

He's not in the house.

KJack wore his Rick Grimes Halloween costume and because I knew that a full zombie face make-up was gauranteed to have me itchy and irritated by noon, I opted to dress as Lori (which consisted of wearing clothes I already had and rolling my jeans up too high while screaming “Where’s Carl!??!” all day) instead of the Little Zombie Girl.

Last I heard, he was in the house.

The Con started at 10am and in classic K&CJack form we got there an hour later…whatevs, time means nothing to the nerdy.

Kirk immediately stopped at a t-shirt booth where we got matching Game of Thrones shirts for House Targaryen. I’m now immediately irritated because I need to look at everything first before I start deciding to spend money and I’m incapable of stopping at booths with pushy salespeople without buying something. God love ’em, WWF Wrestler Virgil is $25 richer due to the stellar combination of KJack stopping every time someone talks to him and my desire to just buy something so they’ll let me go away.

You win. Here's $25.

As my Mother has an unhealthy love for John Barrowman and because I’m an awesome daughter, I stood in line for an hour and a half to get her his autograph. I don’t generally do autographs as I feel like a goon once I get up there and I have no clue what I’ll do with them once I have them and also, because I’m of the assumption that they’ll want my autograph in a few years anyway so we may as well do an even swap then, but stood in line I did.

I've never seen more people dressed like a phone booth in my entire life.

Who knows where the hell KJack went while I was playing Draw Something and Words With Friends…maybe he was looking for Carl.

I did finally make it up to Barrowman, who seemed to loose interest in me when I said “Can you sign this for my Mom?” He was nice and all, but it felt like a Rex Manning moment and I think he thought I was some douchebag who didn’t care about him. He’s so wrong. I love him. Even if he was slightly bitchy…hell, I love him BECAUSE he’s slightly bitchy. There was a group of four chicks in their 50’s ahead of me that were wearing t-shirts that said BARROWLAND BRIGADE. I don’t know what it is about middle aged women and adorable gay men, but they were pretty stoked.

I wanted to tell him that The Making of Me was the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen, that he was totally at the top of the “Celebrities That Could Come To My BBQ” list, that I think he’s probably one of the kindest, most decent people on Earth, that I’d give my left tit to sing just one verse of one song with him!! Instead, I asked him “How he was holding up” and said “My Mom loves you…we all love you.”

Then KJack took our picture and I ran away.

Pay no attention to the man behind the Time Agent.

While in line I caught glimpses of Nicky Brendon to the left and Val Kilmer  a table to the right.

I don't know where he went...the house, maybe?

I was on Buffy...remember Buffy?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I do love an Awkward Celebrity Encounter.

Moving on…

From there we hit Artist Alley where KJack geeked out all over Eric Powell and while he totally wanted to buy something of his, most everything was sold out and all Powell had left was a book full of fucking awesome giant panels for hundreds of dollars. I suggested KJack start blowing people near the bathrooms and then perhaps we could come back for some sweetass artwork….that didn’t pan out.

It was here we had our Virgil moment and after trying to walk away 6 times we finally succeeded when the guy at the table next to him gave me a flyer for something…I wish I could remember what he was promoting because I owe him my life.

Then we ran into a guy Kirk went to High School with, Steve Gadlin, who was selling cat drawings. Apparently this dude’s a genius because he went on Shark Tank with this idea and Mark Cuban gave him a shitload of money. He’s hilarious. Go. Check him out at I Want To Draw A Cat For You! I’m going to insist he become our new Best Friend. I’m quite sure he won’t mind.

At this point my feet hurt and I’ve looked everywhere for Carl, but to no avail.

Not Carl.

Quite a few people stopped KJack for his picture but very few got that I was supposed to be Lori. This may have been due to the fact that I look too…shall we say…well-fed. I’ve searched through thousands of pictures from Sunday, but I can’t find me anywhere! At least three people took pity on me and let me be in Rick’s picture, but they clearly don’t post to Flickr.

.

.I took one picture with one dude in costume and it. was. divine. I love you, Guy-Dressed-As-DJ-Lance-Rock.

.So that was C2E2 2012. We got a bunch of crap and had a great time. My feet tried to kill me and I refused to take public transportation home. A $30 cab ride later and we were home.

PICTURED: JB & V's autographs, California Raisins, Muppet Caper McDonald's glass, Gremlin book and audio record, 90210 "big button," Married With Children game, All In The Family game, NBC Trivia game, Shaolin Cowboy comic, Crossed comic, 2 Game of Thrones t-shirts, 1 Shining t-shirt, 1 Firefly t-shirt, Mal's replica hand gun, Tony Moore Rick Grimes autographed print, Dynamite Magazine and four Janet Lee prints. NOT PICTURED: Carl.


Blog! From Blammo!

2 Apr

Sometimes my brain is teeming with blog post ideas. Sometimes it’s not.

 Recently, it’s been more often not.

 Maybe it’s due to the fact that currently, I’m preoccupied with rehearsals and line learning and trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to sing Disco Inferno and Blondie’s Maria while dressed in a burlap sack and itchy wig while looking cool and without vomiting. I’ve been an actor for 25 years and I still am overwhelmed with paranoia and nerves for the entire process leading up to opening night. One would think this would deter me from this whole “theatre thing,” but apparently I’m a masochist. I’m generally paranoid and terrified much of my day anyway, so no big.

 Since I’ve neglected my little blog here I felt oh so terrible for you, my Intermittent Readers, and felt that I must post something brilliant today to satiate you for at least 3 days until my next post.

 I Googled “blog post ideas.”

 I’m sorry, but I did. I’m grossed out that I even did this because why even write a blog if you can’t organically generate your own content. Why write if you have nothing to say? It’s not as if I’m Perez Hilton and legions of teenagers will crumble if they’re not getting a constant deluge of pictures of giant pregnant Jessica Simpson. I’m just some gal who occasionally posts mildly funny things and then repeatedly screams at her friends, “WHY AREN’T YOU READING MY BLOG?!” I love that there are a few of you out there that genuinely seem to enjoy some of my postings and I feel guilty when I can’t provide you with hilarious and timely content and it’s for you that I sunk so low as to find myself here: The Blog Post Generator

 But WAIT! SURPRISE TWIST ENDING…there is an endless sea of hilarity to be found here!!!

 All one is to do is click “Create” and then take whatever topical and thought provoking “idea” this generator generates and head back over to your blog and prepare to be Freshly Pressed.

Let’s explore:

The plot was decent, but it left me hungry for more.

James Taylor? That British band I've never heard of and only found through Google? James Cagney?

Number 1: It's not General Hospital.

This one is actually pretty good. Buffy is "one of my favorites." It's my favorite TV show, my favorite color and my favorite food. It is NOT my favorite movie.

That it's no longer on the air?

Yogurt or yoghurt (other spellings listed below; US: /ˈjoʊɡərt/, UK: /ˈjɒɡət/) is a dairy product produced by bacterial fermentation of milk."
Done.

If I used this idea, would I just put the question out there and hope my readers provide me with the information about curling I so desperately desire?

Remember when Jerry Van Dyke was the Big Lots spokesperson? That was a match made in Heaven, don't ya' think?

I don't.

You know, it's stuff like this that gets Bloggers stereotyped on TV shows like The Office.

I mean, Jerry and his Big Lots commercials I can handle, but Dick Van Dyke and his crime solving?!!? I just can't DEAL WITH THAT!!!!!

oh my.

It was at this point that I called it quits, because hitting that “create” button one too many times apparently calls forth an evil that I was not prepared for.

So that ends my adventure with a blog post generator. I will never Google “blog post ideas” ever again and I will just accept the fact that some days, I’m just going to be unable to bring the funny.

One thing that did come out of this though is the giant list of topics I will now inevitably blog about:


Happy Birthday Megan Hilty!!! – Broadway For The People…Who Watch TV.

29 Mar

I should be working on the upcoming fundraisers for my show opening the second week in May, but instead I’m writing blog posts about Megan Hilty.

That’s how I roll.

I can work on my super awesome 80’s trivia questions in a second, but right now I want to say “Happy Birthday” to a pretty badass actress.

If you don’t know who Megan Hilty is, then you’re not watching Smash and you SHOULD be watching Smash.

.

.Granted, I’m a theatre girl so, to me, it’s freaking awesome and to you, maybe less awesome, but still worth watching. Even if they insist on completely unnecessary song & dance numbers in bowling alleys. .

.

..

.

Also, you have Brian d’Arcy James, DO SOMETHING WITH HIM!!

Like this, for instance.

Back to the birthday girl, Miss Hilty. Love Ivy (her Smash alter ego) or hate her, you have to be a stone-cold idiot not to agree that Hilty has something special. Her voice is fantastic. Please. Google her. Love her. Keep your eye out for her. She’s going to be huge.

There is nothing more exciting to me than a show like Smash doing as well as it is because while I spent my entire young life listening to Broadway soundtracks and spontaneously bursting into show tunes, other people did not. Thank God for NBC bringing Broadway to network television. 

.These actors deserve to be seen, dammit! Pick a Smash actor at random and I can almost guarantee you that they have graced the stage long before your DVR. For instance, Christian Borle who plays “Tom” already popped up on the TV sets of tweens in 2007 when he played “Emmet” in the MTV made-for-tv musical version of Legally Blonde. Remember the reality show they had to find the next “Elle” and then they followed up the finale with a televised version of the entire show…which was awesome, but not quite as awesome as Carmen: A Hip Hopera.

That shit was hilarious.

Anyhoo…HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN HILTY!!

It's my birthday, bitch!

So watch Smash, go to a show, SUPPORT THE ARTS! Especially Theatre…’cause it’s awesome. I once took a nose dive head first into the first row when my Knight spun me too hard while in Camelot. It’s totally just as violent as hockey and football. Or not. Whatever.

Speaking of blondes…you know that show I keep talking about? Well, I get to be blonde in it. Alas, I’m no Marilyn, but a girl can dream, can’t she?

I'm going to go ahead and just pretend like this is what I'm supposed to look like. Hopefully there will be more flattering and less drunk-looking promos to come.

**Note to Smash producers: If you don’t give me some Norbert Leo Butz I’m going to flip out.***

What I’m Watching: The Week in Limerick

23 Mar

Hi all….I must warn you that if you haven’t watched the last two episodes of Walking Dead, skip the first one…otherwise I’m not spoiling a damn thing, so chillax. Also, my limericks aren’t dirty. They should be. I didn’t intentionally make them clean..it’s just…limericks are hard y’all. For reals.

Enjoy.

Sunday-THE WALKING DEAD


Sheriff Rick’s best pal was a louse,
Who boned Rick’s horrible spouse.
Now Shane is gone.
Killed by Rick’s spawn,
Because Carl was not in the house.




Monday-THE VOICE


Three stars sit in chairs that are cushy.
They must choose without having a look-see.
Drawn by the voice,
The stars make their choice,

While Cee Lo strokes his white pussy.



Tuesday-NEW GIRL


She’s cute and her name is Zooey.
Instead of “sex” she says “making whoopie.”

She lives with three boys,

Whom she always annoys.
Next week, instead, I’ll watch Glee.


Wednesday-NBC

NBC Wednesday nights are for “comedy,”
But they keep airing …Chelsea and Whitney.

This night you have botched.

Please don’t force me to watch.
I’d rather remove my own kidney.


Thursday-30 ROCK



There once was a girl named Liz Lemon
A hero for smart, awesome women.
The Peacock’s redeemed.
Wednesday night, a bad dream.
My kidney I’ll keep for Grizz Chapman.

Pop Quiz, Asshole…

10 Mar

When I'm feeling all angry-like, I hold the phone just like this too.

What do you do when you have zero dollars,

Your Husband is off playing RPG’s with a bunch o’ nerds,

You kinda’ feel like shit and have no motivation to do anything with your day?

You lay in bed and sleep on and off for 12 hours straight, waking up every so often to notice that time doesn’t seem to be passing because Speed is still on, which means you’ve only been asleep for, like, 20 minutes (in actuality AMC played Speed 7 times today. What. The. Hell?) so you might as well go back to sleep because Jeff Daniels hasn’t even been blown up yet.

Don't mind me, I'm just sittin' here bein' adorable.

Can I talk about J.D. for just a sec?

I love him. Plain and simple as that, I love him.

Let’s take a brief look at some of his movies, shall we? Except for Speed.

Fuck Speed.

Arachnophobia (1990)

He’s Dr. Ross Jennings, a small town doctor, father and husband. He’s completely precious in every way and gosh darnit! Why can’t the old fuddy-duddies in this town realize he’s on to something with this whole “spider thing” dammit?!?!

They should have listened to him sooner.

Also, notable for John Goodman’s performance as Delbert.

Also, notable again, because I remember when we saw it in the movie theatre my Dad left right as the spider shit started to hit the fan and went to go watch (I think) Die Hard 2 in the instead.

A “thrillomedy?” Really?!?! That’s badass, why have I never heard that word before!??! Apparently, this term refers only to Arachnophobia, Reaper & Chuck. Huh, who knew?

Pleasantville (1998)

I will cry every single time I watch this movie. This time our Jeff goes totally against type and plays the adorable, understanding, sweet diner owner, Bill Johnson. Oh, wait…nope, that’s totally his type and I love it. He likes to paint and love Joan Allen from afar while suffering silently as the mean old fuddy-duddies in the town throw trashcans through his window. They’re mean and he’s awesome. Tears. Every. Single. Time.

I do love a movie where you get sucked into the TV.

Paper Man (2009)

Fantastic movie!! FANTASTIC!! Mildly depressing, but fantastic. J.D. is Richard Dunn, adorable, misunderstood struggling writer. He’s married to Lisa Kudrow, but not quirky, lovable, Phoebe-Lisa-Kudrow, more like the Phoebe in the alternate universe of that one Friends episode where Monica was still fat.

Anyhoo…he meets Emma Stone and the two become besties. He has an imaginary friend that’s a superhero (played by that Ryan Reynolds fella’ from the hit show Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place.) Eventually, their friendship is misunderstood by his stupid fuddy-duddy wife and his house is trashed by mean fuddy-duddy teenagers, but he hangs in there and never stops being adorable. I called the “surprise twist ending” about half-way through, but guessing movie endings is my superpower. I highly suggest you watch this. If only to watch the movie where Emma Stone and Kieran Culkin fell in love.

It’s good, ya’ll. For reals.

Now to watch some Game of Thrones and maybe take a nap before watching creepy Skinny-Jonah-Hill on SNL.

Let’s bring this full circle and watch J.D. on SNL.

Enjoy your commercial, then enjoy the adorable.