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Heartbreaking Photo Of Real Life Catfish Caught On Camera

8 May

He said he was tall, slim, held a “leadership position” at work. He said he worked in law enforcement. When they talked on the phone, he had one of those voices that just made you feel safe, loved, relaxed. He sounded like the nicest man in the world. But sometimes, he would disappear. He wouldn’t be online, wouldn’t call or return texts for weeks at a time, like clockwork every couple years, but eventually he always got back to her, saying he was really busy “helping out his friend.” When she started getting suspicious she messaged his other Facebook friends. They had nothing but nice things to say about him. Worshiped him, she noticed. She understood. She was falling in love with him too. Finally a girl claiming to be his “sister,” Jessie, contacted her and said that he was ready to meet. They’d all be in New York for his sister’s upcoming wedding, to his best friend and that she should find the time to meet….IRL. It was now or never.

When she finally met him in Times Square, she realized she’d been toyed with all along.

image

In Defense of Miley Cyrus: Part I – The Tongue

27 Aug

This is the first, in what may or may not be a multi-part “In Defense of Miley” oeuvre that I’ll keep adding to until people stop talking about it.

I mean really, I’ve never seen such mass hysteria over a pop star before…..geeze.

I didn’t watch the VMA’s Sunday night. I did, however, watch the video of Miley Cyrus’ performance. I had seen Facebook status after Facebook status, describing it as “disgusting,” “WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?!?!?,” “I weep for our country,” “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore,” “If I was her mother…,” “Does Miley Cyrus actually think sticking her tongue out like that is attractive??!”

 That last one stopped me. Maybe it was the use of the word “attractive.” As a young woman with a penchant for blue humor and unbiased love for fart jokes, I heard crap like that all the time. “Oh…that’s attractive.” The sarcasm dripping off that word like it was melting. “Come on now Caitlin, that’s not very attractive…” as I aped a joke lifted from some boy who’d gotten primo laughs with it just the day before. I was just doing something I thought was fun or funny and a fart joke never killed anyone so I was (and still am) confused when I was chastised for not making myself attractive to people. Who am I supposed to be attracting? What if my whole goal was to be unattractive? Why is that such a bad thing? People do weird, gross shit for any number of reasons. I have a friend who cracks their knuckles all the time and a friend who loves to give people Wet Willies and another who can burp the alphabet. Sometimes, I enjoy timing my farts so they sound like my ass is talking to people or singing along to the Mario Brothers Theme Song (I don’t care what my Husband says, it’s f’ing hilarious). Miley sticks out her tongue. It’s just one of these things that we do.   

Hannah Montana circa 2008 or "Before She Was Scary."

Hannah Montana circa 2008 or “Before She Was Scary.”

And it’s not as if she came up with this horrifically offensive tongue wagging just to terrify you Sunday night and make you clutch your children and decry Miley as a Hypersexual Hell Beast From Crotchgrabia.

She’s a grown woman (some may argue that 20 does not a woman make, but that’s an entirely different argument) whose penchant for sticking out her tongue has become somewhat of a thing for her, putting on a show intended to freak people out and launch a thousand Tweets. What do you know? It worked.

 I’m pretty sure MC wasn’t trying to shock the world’s population in these pictures. Chances are, she was probably, “just bein’ Miley.”

  HOW DARE YOU!?!??!!? THERE’S A CHILD NEXT TO YOU! Wait…is that James Woods behind you?

 

If my tongue was that big I’d want to liberate it from its mouth cage too. Give her a break on the tongue thing, ok? Chillax.

You Slut.

You Slut.

To Be Continued…..in In Defense of Miley Cyrus: Part II – The Crotch Grab

I’m Helpful – Answers to Questions People Googled To Get Here.

16 Feb

I was checking C’mon Mr. Sunshine’s stats (that sounds dirty) and I was struck with how odd the list of search terms that poor, unsuspecting people in need of real answers to real questions used to end up at my blog.

I'm sorry you Googled this and ended up at my weird blog.

I’m sorry you Googled this and ended up at my weird blog.

My inner-humanitarian has decided to help them should they ever return.

We're very alike.

We’re very alike.

1.) The Amy Smart Walking Dead Confusion

amy smart walking dead
is amy smart on the walking dead

No. She isn’t. I think you think she’s Andrea. You’re wrong. You might think she’s Beth. Not that either. Maybe you think she was in the first season as Andrea’s sister Amy. No. I know you think she’s Andrea. Knock it off.

I honestly don’t think they look alike. There’s also about 10 years between them.

.

It would be nice, though, if Ashton Kutcher could take a look at some of the older Walking Dead scripts, get a nosebleed, and fix Andrea’s dumbassery.

.

 

2.) The Curious Attraction To Marky Mark’s Third Nip.

marky mark 3rd nipple
3rd nipple
marky mark third nipple
mark wahlberg third nipple
mark wahlberg third nipple pictures

I don’t know why you all are so excited about Wahlberg’s triple nip, but you are.

Here.

"Say hello to your Mother for me!"

“Say hello to your Mother for me!”

3.) Anatomy of a 2 Broke Girls Halloween Costume

2 broke girls costume
2 broke girls outfits
2 broke girls outfit
two broke girls kostüm
(Is that German?)

halloween 2 broke girls couple
diy 2 broke girls costume
2 broke girls latex
(What’s wrong with you?)

two broke girls latex (You too, buddy.)
two broke girls halloween costume

Step One: Find Reference Picture.

Step Two: Determine if you are a “Max” or you are a “Caroline.” (I’m Max. Duh.)

Step Three: Go Shopping – Dress. Ribbon. Apron. Hair. Giant Safety Pins. Name Tags. Boots.

Step Four: Make your apron. Glue the ribbon to your dress with this. Style the wig. Add accessories.

Step Five: Find friends to join you. Now, relax, have fun and bask in your glory. 

2 Broke Girls Oleg Costume2brokemaxandcarolinecostumesmax and caroline costume halloween*My “Caroline” made her necklace with big plastic pearls, gold chain, and these things.

Look. Copy. Win.

4.) Miscellaneous Helpfulness.

  • sometimes i like to meme

That’s ok. Sometimes I do too.

  • what can i make with finished cross stitch

I don’t know. I Google it almost everyday. If you find something, let me know.

  • what was the costume with the crows worn by darlene in roseanne about

She was dressed a Tippi Hedren’s character in The Birds.

See?

  • the walking dead andrea is an idiot

Yes. She is.

  • how to do a collage on pixlromatic
  • pixlr-o-matic add text
  • how to add text with pixlr-o-matic?

You can’t. Download PicsArt.

  • what does it mean if i cant stop drawing roses

It means you really like drawing roses.

the walking dead what if daryl dies

You’ll be fine. Although, I hear there are talks of a riot.

  • stupid andrea walking dead

Yes. She is.

  • pic of clown saying happy birthday meagan

That’s weird and strangely specific and I have no clue how you even got here…however…

HAPPYBIRTHDAYMEAGAN


The ABC’s of the Zombie Apocalypse – C is for CONSEQUENCE (Part II)

6 Nov

A few weeks ago I wrote Part I of the third letter in my little Alphabetical Zombie Survival Guide. For the 4 of you that read it I promised more….I know you’re simply dying for part II aren’t you? Well, here you go.

This post only contains Walking Dead spoilers through Season 2…It doesn’t have spoilers from this last episode….but it should because IT IS TOTALLY RELEVANT…but I digress…

When you Google Image Search “part two” you get a lot of depressed Robert Pattinsons.

In the first part I wrote about Carl’s douchebaggary in Season 2 of TWD when he threw rocks at the mud-stuck Walker which eventually lead to the brutal murder of Dale. I laid out the possible reactions to this scenario and then explored the possible consequences of each of those possible reactions. But why is it even important to weigh the pros & cons of every decision, every seemingly minute action? Here’s why…

Damn kids.

I understand why scenes like the mud-stuck Walker exist in TWD world. I get why Carl behaved the way he did. He’s a kid, we’re supposed to see that despite all the growing up this kid had had to do in the past months, he’s still just a kid that doesn’t have any sense of the world he’s living in. He’s Vada and Thomas J throwing rocks at the beehive. He’s curious and he’s scared but without the tools to predict the consequences of your actions, curiosity and fear are deadly and stupid.

The Zombie Apocalypse is not a world without consequence. It’s a world where the consequences are:

  • A) This will get me or someone I love eaten.
  • B) I won’t be eaten today.

That’s it; those are your two choices now. Will this end horrifically or will I live to fight another day?

Look at Lori.

No wonder Carl’s a mess, his mother is She of the Bad Decisions. Do you think she ever thought about the consequences of making sweet, sweet Apocalypse love (to two people no less!) while smack dab in the middle of a ZA? Sex leads to pregnancy (stay safe, kids) and getting pregnant will inevitably lead to the death of you, your baby, anybody you’re currently responsible for and anybody who’s currently responsible for you. For the last months of your pregnancy you’re going to be at a physical disadvantage. For the entire duration you’re going to be mentally disadvantaged, because everything you do will be colored with the safety of that baby. If you already have children, their safety is now at risk because you’ve got more on your mind now, don’t you? Who knocked you up? Was it your Husband? He’s now at a higher risk of being eaten because you’re a liability now.

I firmly believe that Kelly Taylor is the “Lori” of the 90210 group.

Do you even know who knocked you up? Was it your Husband or was it his best friend? Now you have the added bonus that maybe they’ll be a macho duel for your love and one of them will kill the other before anyone even has the opportunity to become lunch.

How is this going to affect your group? Other women in your group will more than likely be “assigned” to you in your time of need. What if she has kids of her own to look after? Now they’re at risk because their “protector” is busy birthing your baby. And let’s not forget that once the baby’s born all bets are off. The baby is a wailing zombie magnet. There are limited if any supplies to provide and care for a baby.

I was going to put a picture of Fred Phelps up as my “Religious Zealot,” but it was far too creepy. Enjoy Kevin Smith’s version instead.

What happens when one of you, the one who has run through the potential scenarios of your group’s survival, makes the hard decision and kills that baby for the good of the many or for the protection of their own child or because they take it upon themselves to deliver that baby into the hands of God with a mercy killing (it takes all kinds in a ZA – you’ll more than likely have a religious zealot or two in your gang).

What’s that going to do to your “family?” You’ve put multiple lives at risk all because you didn’t look at the potential consequences of your midnight bone session.

In the Zombie Apocalypse, oral sex is King and the King can save your life.

I’m not saying that everyone should automatically know how to predict the future, but when the zombie shit hits the fan and that shit is made up of bits and pieces of you and/or your loved ones it’s time to start changing the way you think. You won’t always make the right choices, but when you start to realize that every single decision you make (or don’t make) has the potential consequence of brutal death then at least you’ll be on the right track. It’s time to start imagining the worst because you now live in a world where the worst possible thing you can imagine happening, just happened to that guy over there because yesterday his group used up their ammunition shooting swinging trees and today he’s nothing but a big piece of meat with an empty gun in his hand.

For the love of God don’t Google “meat mask” at work. I’m on some sort of list now, I just know it.

From Angela Chase to Zombie Girl: A Trip Down Halloween Costume Lane

30 Oct

Hi again! I have more past costumes to share and I have pictures from this weekend’s Halloweening.

What was I you asked? I was “Max” from 2 Broke Girls. My friend Sarah was “Caroline” and KJack was “Oleg.” I’m pretty dang proud of us this year. We did a friggin’ sweet job if I do say so myself. Take a look….

The Real Deal

The Halloween Edition w/ CJack, KJack & Sarah

It’s a damn shame that we weren’t anywhere with a costume contest because we totally would have won all the prizes….once people figured out who we were. Poor Sarah was stuck for 3 hours without me and KJack and while some people shouted “Caroline Channing!” at her, she got some “Are you a slutty waitress?” Ugh. Once the band was back together all was right in the Halloween world. Oh! As my “Caroline” was outside in front of the bar, some chick walked by and said her friend wrote for the show and wanted our picture, so that was pretty groovy! Beth Behrs retweeted our picture and the few compliments from 2 Broke Girls fans were pretty cool. The one dude who pointed out that we weren’t as “hot” as the originals apparently felt the need to both tweet the obvious and rain on my parade, but alas, ’tis hard being a star. 

Keeping in theme with my last post here’s some more side-by-sides of Halloweens past. Enjoy!

ANGELA CHASE FROM MY SO-CALLED LIFE

“School is a battlefield…for your heart.”

HOW TO: Overalls, flannel, Doc Martens, red shoulder-length hair, heaps of teen angst. Maybe the easiest costume of them all.

DARLENE CONNER FROM ROSEANNE

To whom it concerns, this costume is awesome.

HOW TO: Recycle the teen angst from last year’s “Angela” costume and add sarcasm and wit and you have Darlene. Also Needed: Long, black curly wig, black combat boots, black sweater, black jeans, chicken shirt. I will warn you that this was pretty much the only year that not a single person knew who I was. One guy did get close by yelling “Hey! You’re dressed up as Roseanne!” at me. I thought the wig was a dead give-away, but apparently not. joy.

LUCY FROM BOARDWALK EMPIRE

Oh, Paz.

I know, I know, I was really just in a semi-generic 1920’s costume, but we told everyone we were “Nucky & Lucy.”

HOW TO: Lie.

LITTLE ZOMBIE GIRL FROM THE WALKING DEAD

Grrlglghghlghhrhhgh…

This was last year’s costume. I’ll take all the accolades please. Thank you.

HOW TO: I just went out and got replicas (as close as I could) of the pieces of her costume. Bunny slippers, blonde wig, white robe (burned and torn), pink pajamas. As for the face, used copious amounts of liquid latex and toilet paper and found a Youtube tutorial where some guy shows you how to use a paperclip and a rubber band to hold your face open. For some reason, I can’t find the original video, but I’ll keep looking and update this if I find it! I’m still pissed that I put my forehead wound on the wrong side.

As you can see, I’m a big fan of Pop Culture TV costumes. So are my friends.

Bethenny Frankel & Max – Besties for life.

We drank Skinnygirl wine all night…it did not make me skinny, but it made me drunk enough that I didn’t care.

Anything Can Happen On Halloween…

27 Oct

I love Halloween. LOVES IT.
I loves it like Tim Curry in the Worst Witch loves it. 

One year when I was in middle school I got three of my friends to dress as characters from Rocky Horror Picture Show. I was Columbia, my friend Julie was Magenta and my friends Trent & Libby were Brad and Janet. We made Trent and Libby wear name tags. The only person who knew who we were was the mayor of Lebanon, Indiana, Jim Acton. He was in a band, so he was totally hip.

Rock & Roll Acton was the best part of Halloween that year.

My boyfriend went Trick-or-Treating with us that year…he was dressed as Dead Kurt Cobain. He seriously ruined the continuity of our costumes. Jim didn’t mind. He called his wife to come out and see us. It was rad.

Another year my best friend Lauren and I dressed up as Bert & Ernie. My Mom made us masks out of fun foam and painted them. They. were. amahzing. It rained that year and the painted faces on our masks started dripping. We went from fairly straight forward adorable costumes to horrific Sesame Street zombies. It was also rad. I think we tried to snort Pixie Stix that year (I don’t recommend this)…middle school was fun.

Anyhoo…I thought I’d use the next couple days to share some of my most recent Halloween costumes. Maybe you’re stumped for ideas. Maybe you just like nice, neat, little split screen pictures of one girl’s past Halloween attempts at greatness. Maybe you’re stalking me. Whatever the case may be, here you go.

JANIS JOPLIN

“Get it while you can.”

HOW TO: To take a generic “Hippie” costume and make her Janis you just need to add long brown hair and a one of these iconic “Janis-y” touches. A Boa on your head, the round glasses, fur boots, fur hat, bottle of Southern Comfort, lots of necklaces. I should clarify, don’t take a Halloween store “Hippie” costume because they’re always gross, but just find some vintagy normal pieces that make you look like a badass cool chick circa 1967. Be loud, be fabulous and emit an air of massive confidence to over compensate for the crippling pain and insecurity inside. Boom. Janis.

CHUCKY FROM CHILD’S PLAY

This was an attempt to overcome the childhood trauma Chucky caused. It worked…a little.

When I was 7 I saw a preview for Child’s Play on TV. Catherine Hicks checks his batteries and sees there aren’t any, then his head spins around and he says “Hi, I’m Chucky, wanna play?” It was at this exact moment in my young life that I experienced true fear. When I got home I immediately banished Baby Talk and Teddy Ruxpin to the closet, where they spent the rest of their lives locked up so they couldn’t murder me in my sleep. Chucky proceeded to terrify me from that day forward. One time I was playing a claw game in a restaurant and the stuffed animal I picked up with the claw revealed a Chucky plush doll underneath. It was horrible. Anyway…I’ve finally come to grips with my irrational fear and now love Chucky for the foul-mouthed precious old man that he is.

HOW TO: Primary colored striped shirt. Overalls. I painted the “Good Guys” logo (ok…my Mom did) and ironed on a bunch of random little kid theme patches. I bought the plastic knife and painted it like the original poster. Red tennis shoes. Red hair. Say bad words and stab people.
You are Chucky.

SHAUN FROM SHAUN OF THE DEAD

“You’ve got red on you.”

This was the same year I was “Chucky.” If I’m going out more than once I don’t like to repeat my costume…because I’m a freak. This was completely last-minute. I walked down the street to Village Discount thrift store and bought the shirt and tie. Made the name tag on the computer and blooded up.

HOW TO: White men’s button down shirt, black pants, red tie, “SHAUN” name tag from FOREE ELECTRIC. I wore the same red Chucks I wore for “Chucky.” (Pun not intended but appreciated). Splash blood on your face and paint your hands with blood and grab your shirt so there are bloody hand-prints on it. If you have a cricket bat you’re a better man than I. I just drank beer all night and talked with a British accent.

LAUREL MCGOFF FROM KID NATION

Laurel McGoff is my hero.

I already explained my love for Laurel and Kid Nation here. I miss that show. This “How To” is not how to be “Laurel” exactly, but more how to achieve what I did that year.

HOW TO: Pick an obscure character from a reality TV show that you love (no one from the Jersey Shore counts as obscure, by the way). Re-create as many of their iconic traits that you can. For example: Jeff Lewis has perfect hair and wears shirts with collars. He also has shiny plump lips. Carry some color swatches if you need to. Be prepared to explain who you are to people all night and for them to stare at you blankly when you excitedly assure them that “I look just like her!” So what did I achieve that year? The perfect joy of accomplishment when one person sees you across the room, knows exactly who you’re dressed as and thinks you are the most amazing person on Earth. They will buy you drinks all night and tell all their friends that you are the funniest, smartest person at the party/bar. I imagine that it’s fairly similar to what the actual person you’re dressed as experiences in life. You’ve become a Z-list Reality Star*. Congratulations!

That’s all for now…I have to go start putting on my costume for this year.

????

Hmmm…what could it be? There’s a hint around here someplace…if’n you need it.

Come on, guess.

*Dear Jeff Lewis, I do NOT think you’re Z-list. That was for comedy purposes. I apologize. I love you more than words. I want to be your friend. Call me, maybe?

The ABC’s of the Zombie Apocalypse – C is for CONSEQUENCE (Part I)

25 Oct

**Contains all the spoilers for all The Walking Dead**

We’re days away from the season 3 premier episode 3 of The Walking Dead on AMC. It’s been almost 7 months since we left Rick and the rest of the survivors and I didn’t know how much I missed them until I started re-watching the series today 3 weeks ago. Like, really…really missed them. Mostly just Rick though…the others are a big batch of annoying that just seem to make Rick’s life difficult if you ask me.

Anyhoo…the premier of the new TWD season coupled with the impending arrival of Halloween and the fact that I haven’t written anything in what feels like a bajillion years has led me to this, the third entry in………

The ABC’s of The Zombie Apocalypse:

C is for Consequence!

“C” became “Consequence” because of another “C,” Carl.  Who I may have called by another “C” word often during Season 2, but I digress…

Here’s my Carl conundrum; His pre-teen douchbaggary is 100% responsible for killing Dale. 100%. He made a very specific choice to act like an asshole. His decision to throw rocks at the Stuck-in-the-Mud-Walker followed by his inability to kill said walker led to Dale’s death.

It’s like Alien Vs. Predator, but with more facial hair and elderly man-sass.

I’m not going to fault him for freaking out once the walker started to get loose and being unable to take it down. He’s a kid. I get it, but he failed to foresee any consequences to his actions and that’s why Dale’s dead. If, instead of completely ignoring Carl and then spending obscene amounts of time looking for him once he fucked off somewhere, Lori and the rest of the gang had been teaching him valuable lessons in cause & effect, perhaps Dale would be alive and still be competing with Hershel for the “Wise Old Guy” position of the group. A few conversations about logic would have been more beneficial than Shane’s how-to-catch-frogs tutorial. 

Now, let’s walk through this particular scenario:

OVER 40 POSSIBLE ENDINGS!!! NOT ALL OF THEM END IN HORRIFIC DEATH!! (ALTHOUGH MOST OF THEM DO)

Boy sees restrained Walker.

Boy has 3 choices:

  1. Kill walker
  2. Alert a sane adult (there’s got to be a few around here somewhere, right?) or….
  3. ACT LIKE AN FUCKING ASSHOLE KID AND THROW ROCKS AT IT.

Now to explore the consequences of the only three viable options:

Comic Book Carl doesn’t fuck around.

1. Kill walker – Carl has a gun. He’s seen how they’re used and practiced shooting. The walker is restrained and stationary. It’s a perfect opportunity to man-up and take the opportunity to face what it’s going to be like to kill something. You know you’re going to have to do it eventually, kid, and here you have one wrapped up in a nice neat meat bow just for you.

CONSEQUENCE: Walker’s no longer a threat. Self satisfaction in eliminating the threat on your own. Mental & physical preparation for a necessary and vital act you’ll need to perform nearly everyday of the rest of your life while living during the Zombie Apocalypse.

2. Alert Sane* Adult – You’re still a hero kid! Go tell Rick! Dale! Daryl! Glenn! T-Dog! (Poor T-Dog, one would think “Where’s T-Dog?” would be just as common an inquiry as “Where’s Carl?”)

They always make T-Dog take the picture.

CONSEQUENCE: Sane adult kills walker and identifies this area of the woods as un-explored and potentially dangerous leading to a sweep of the area and the potential elimination of more walkers.

NO!

*It would be counter-productive to go to one of the batshit crazy survivors like Shane, Lori, Andrea or Hershel because you can’t predict the actions of crazy people and the whole point of this exercise is to logically predict the consequences of various reactions to a problem and then choose the safest, most helpful course of action that does not, in any way, end with Dale being disemboweled.

I thought an Instagram filter would make him look more like a douche. I was right.

3. Throw Rocks At It –Instead of reveling in the luck that you’ve stumbled upon a vicious killing machine that is paying zero attention to you and is unable to move, you start chucking rocks at it. While this is a brave and valiant choice when attempting to lure a walker away from its intended victim, it’s pure dumbass douchieness to do this in any other situation.

CONSEQUENCE: Walker is annoyed. Walker now smells food. Walker has all the time in the world to work his way out of his mud prison and follow that smell to food source, i.e. your friends and family. Eats Dale.

Close enough.

This post was of epic length and my lunch break is almost over….stay tuned for Part II where I get all philosophical about more crap that isn’t real.

To be continued….

This has nothing to do with the actual post, but contains the words “stay tuned” and is a fantastic movie.

Wednesdays Are For Comics…Even Though It’s Thursday: Darwyn Cooke’s “Before Watchmen Minutemen #1”

7 Jun

Once upon a time, in a blogosphere far, far away, CJack provided you, her Intermittent Readers, with tales of Pop Culture and KJack’s comic book reviews on a mostly regular basis. In recent months, this hasn’t been the case, but thanks to KJack’s insomnia and CJack’s lunch break, we bring you back the the days of yore with a belated edition of…

Before Watchmen: Minutemen #1

By Darwyn Cooke

Reviewed by Kirk Jackson

Kicking off the entire Before Watchman opus is this single issue about the “golden age” of costumed crime-fighting set in Alan Moore’s seminal Watchmen universe. I must admit, like many, I was a little wary before I read this issue. I’m not from the camp that considers Watchmen too sacred to ever be touched by non-Moore hands, but I love the original just as much as anyone and never want to see mediocre versions of it. My fears melted away however as I took in the very first pages. Right away I could tell by the sequence of different images formed by very similar, circular shapes that Cooke was going to waste no time paying tribute to David Gibbon’s art. Cooke’s style in general is perfect for the pulpy feel of the Minutemen book, but he outdoes himself as he adjusts his style on every page to fit the mood and tone of each Minutemen character. The Moth Man sequence for instance is very dark, ominous, and serious, while Dollar Bill has a colorful almost cartoony commercial appearance. I was further comforted by the familiar visage of Hollis Mason, the original Night Owl, as he’s shown just finishing his book, “Under the Hood.” Like in Watchmen, this book is narrated from within by its own characters. Mason relates the story as he had written it in his book, and introduces each Minuteman one by one. With the benefit of hindsight, he is able to describe them all with accuracy and depth, and this makes for a wonderfully character driven comic.  The action sequences are exciting, the dialogue spot on, and the portrayal of each character has me hanging on to every word. All in all this is an amazing start to what should be the most rewarding comic event of the year!

5 POWS!

Dear Mr. King,

25 May

Today we were let out of work early. 2:30 early. Miracle of miracles. I work with my Dad for those of you that don’t know and because I never learned to drive (that’s a topic for a whole other post), he’s the wheelman. Today he had to stop at Jewel to fill a prescription and I waited in the car. He texts me that he’ll be on the inside for “15.” I respond with “I need a drink and a bag of Doritos.” I wait. He brings me a Diet Coke and snack size bag of Doritos and, as Dads are known to do, as my Dad is known to do, an extra “surprise.” The June/July issue of Esquire with Bruce Willis on the cover. This is sweet enough as it is but he points to the lower left corner where it says in black and red Esquire font, “STEPHEN KING AND JOE HILL.” Inside is Part I of a King/Hill novella, In The Tall Grass. Written together and fucking wonderful. Six and a half pages of wonderful. My Dad is better than your Dad, unless you’re Joe Hill, your Dad’s pretty cool too. Reading this inspired me to share something I wrote a while back. It also inspired me to write about my Dad, but that, too, is a post for another Father’s Day.

My wedding day…you were there.

I’ve talked about my tattoo before. If you’ve successfully blocked me out, I’ll tell you again. I have Stephen King tattooed on my right arm. It’s not a Stephen King inspired tattoo or a quote from a book or an artistic something or other based on his writing. It’s his face. I have the face of a man I’ve never met, permanently (as permanent as tattoos are nowadays) etched into my arm. People’s reactions to this vary, but what consistently follows is, “You should write him and let him know!” Sure, I’ll sit down and write a letter to the greatest writer of all time (don’t start, I’ll fight you on this – I’ll win) and say what? “Hey, just wanted to say, your books are good. So much so that until the day I die, if my Husband wants to see me naked, he has to look you in the eye.” I’m sure that will come off completely sane and we’ll become Besties for life! But after reading what I read today, and reading the “Two Kings One Story” bit about how the two write together and feeling the way I felt when my Dad saw this magazine and knew that his little girl just had to have it (along with a Diet Coke and bag of Doritos), I’m compelled to answer the question most asked about my tattoo “But, why Stephen King?” I think the best way for me to answer that is to finish the letter I started writing three years ago, the one I wrote “to let him know.” When I wrote it I wasn’t sure how to get it to him. Do I send it to his publisher, his website, Entertainment Weekly (he still wrote regularly for them back then – I miss it.), tweet it? I’ll just put it here instead for you, my Intermittent Readers, but I’ll address it to him…

Dear Mr. King,

Let me start by saying that I am not your “#1 Fan.” There’s no Annie Wilkes in me – so far as I can tell anyway – I’m writing to tell you that I have tattoo (a few, but we’ll focus only on the one on my right arm) – the reason I’m telling you this dear Uncle Stevie, is because it’s of you. I have thought about writing to you for some time now and I’m not entirely sure that a 12 yr. old me didn’t send a fan letter your way all those years ago, but I’m doing it now. A little backstory (because who doesn’t love a little backstory). I was raised in Lebanon, Indiana (Population: No one). At a very young age I remember seeing this enormous book on my Mother’s bedside table. She told me it was a brilliant story about good & evil. She told me, while she was in labor with me she was reading this book and that I’d probably really love it.  As I was coming into this world…you were there. So I read The Stand…in the second grade. M-O-O-N, that spells, over-my-head. I may not have understood what I held in my 8 year old hands, but I definitely liked the way it sounded. I liked the way it made me feel. I wanted to hear more. The Lebanon Public Library now held only one section for me. Fiction, Horror, King. Every trip to the library and I’d come home with a new book – semi-dusty, yellowed gateways to awesome….and you were there.

In the 5th grade we were to write a book report on a book of our choosing – finally!  I chose The Eyes of the Dragon. Apparently my elementary school used the word “choose” loosely. While my teacher, Mrs. Hardee (one of the “good ones”) had no issue, kids talk and parents complain. I was called to the Principal’s office, given stern looks and lectures about the importance of “age-appropriateness.” After all, you must be very, very old to fully enjoy stories about dragons and wizards and such. J.K. Rowling would have been fucked. My parents were called in and I’m sure Principal Nofun expected them to nod. To agree. To punish.

They did not.

They stood up for me and said that they were under the impression that it was their job to decide what I was and wasn’t capable of handling and was there some sort of issue with the quality of the report itself?

“No.”

“Well I guess we’re done here, aren’t we.”

 My Parents stood by me. They fought for me and trusted my judgment. They respected my choices….and you were there.

It’s 1995. I’m now at Lebanon Middle School. I’m playing the Mad Hatter in Boone County Jr. Civic’s Alice In Wonderland. My Mother’s directing. The library is celebrating its 90th birthday with a silent auction of autographed bookmarks “From one of Lebanon Public Library’s Favorite Authors.” We had a performance that night and while I desperately wanted your autograph, the show must go on. Dad spent the entire night standing over my bookmark. The story goes that an evil autograph reseller was going around scooping up all the autographs. He got most of them. He didn’t get ours. The next day my Dad was on the front page of the Lebanon Reporter holding the bookmark that fetched the largest dollar amount. Stephen King, $66! The blurb mentioned how he was determined to make sure he won it for his daughter who couldn’t be there because she was out working on her dream to become an actress – or maybe I just remember it that way – whatever the case. He came through for me…and you were there.

That’s why I got this tattoo. I’m 30 years old now, the tattoo just turned 3. People normally get portrait tattoos of their parents or their children – I picked you because I can look at your face on my arm and I see my Parents, my heroes, my teachers (the “good ones”). I see all the milestones of my life so far because, without fail…you’ve always been there. You know how you can hear a song and it instantly takes you back to a moment in your life where that song was playing and all the emotions you were feeling in that exact moment smack you in the face? Your books are kinda’ like that to me.

I just wanted you to know and I wanted to say thank you.

                -Caitlin
                Constantly Reading

P.S. I think it’s important to note that I’ve only ever written fan letters to two people in my entire life. The first one was to Ben Vereen during the Zoobilee Zoo years. I do not have Ben Vereen tattooed anywhere on my body…that would just be weird.

**********************

A Note To My Readers: I should mention that the tattoo that sparked this all was done by Kelly Rogers from Gearhead Tattoo in Cape Coral, FL. You are a damn fool if you don’t find him and give him all your money.

It Begins – Conquest of the Universe OPENS MAY 11th!!

7 May

Hello my Lovlies!!! I miss you….I’ll be back…very soon.

Here’s why I’ve been absent. Pass this along to everyone you know – or at least everyone in the Chicagoland area who digs weird-ass theatre.

COME SEE A PLAY BIZNATCHES!!

***LIMITED RUN***



Wednesday, May 9th, 8pm – INDUSTRY NIGHT!! $5 tickets at the door with Headshot/Resume
Friday, May 11 – 8pm
Saturday, May 12 – 8pm
Sunday, May 13 – 2pm
Thursday, May 17 – 8pm
Friday, May 18 – 8pm
Saturday, May 19 – 8pm

TICKETS: $20 at Brown Paper Tickets
$15 at the door

Conquest…tells the tale of Tamberlaine (Kirk Jackson as Philip Oakey), President of Earth, who systematically conquers every planet in the Solar System. Taking Bajazeth (J. Keegan Siebken as George Michael), King of Mars as his sex slave and imprisoning Zabina (Caitlin Jackson as Debbie Harry), Queen of Mars while doing his best to avoid his long-suffering wife, Maria (Allison Williams as Cyndi Lauper). While Zabina’s twin brother and lover Cosroe (Korey Enright as Billy Idol) attempts to destroy Tamberlaine and bring his rape and pillaging of the planets to an end.
    Tamberlain’s idea of “conquest” involves penetrating every leader of every planet, especially the male leaders, including Venus (Suzanne Bracken as Madonna), Queen of Venus and Natolia (Raymond Lawson as Joan Collins), Drag Queen of Saturn.
    This farce by Charles Ludlam, freely adapted into a musical by Ludicrous Theatre Company, touches on a wide variety of theatre forms, from Camp to Kabuki. Director Wayne Shaw’s “ludicrous twist” this time around, is that the actors are playing 80’s Pop Stars, playing Ludlam’s characters. With music from Blondie, Cyndi Lauper, Madonna, George Michael, Billy Idol and more, Ludicrous aims to shock, please and tease its audiences. Under the musical direction of T.J. Anderson, Ludicrous brings Pop Rock to Outer Space.

Be Aware: Strobe lights and Adult Content. VERY adult content.

Also Featuring: Karen Gold as Pee-wee Herman, Sean-Edward D. Hall, Jeff Watkins, J. Lance Williams as Mike Score

Choreographed by Ally Carey with Lighting Design by James Kassabian. Costumes by Suzanne Bracken.

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