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I’m Still Alive….I’ve Been Cross Stitching. Don’t Be Jealous.

12 Feb

I'm Still Alive....I've Been Cross Stitching. Don't Be Jealous.

I’m still here. I swear. There should be a Zombie ABC entry coming in the near future. In the meantime, I’ve been using all available free time to cross stitch a photo realistic picture of Judy Garland hugging a teenage Liza Minnelli. Because that’s how I do.

 

You're about to be XSTITCHED!

You’re about to be XSTITCHED!

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I’m Helpful – Answers to Questions People Googled To Get Here.

16 Feb

I was checking C’mon Mr. Sunshine’s stats (that sounds dirty) and I was struck with how odd the list of search terms that poor, unsuspecting people in need of real answers to real questions used to end up at my blog.

I'm sorry you Googled this and ended up at my weird blog.

I’m sorry you Googled this and ended up at my weird blog.

My inner-humanitarian has decided to help them should they ever return.

We're very alike.

We’re very alike.

1.) The Amy Smart Walking Dead Confusion

amy smart walking dead
is amy smart on the walking dead

No. She isn’t. I think you think she’s Andrea. You’re wrong. You might think she’s Beth. Not that either. Maybe you think she was in the first season as Andrea’s sister Amy. No. I know you think she’s Andrea. Knock it off.

I honestly don’t think they look alike. There’s also about 10 years between them.

.

It would be nice, though, if Ashton Kutcher could take a look at some of the older Walking Dead scripts, get a nosebleed, and fix Andrea’s dumbassery.

.

 

2.) The Curious Attraction To Marky Mark’s Third Nip.

marky mark 3rd nipple
3rd nipple
marky mark third nipple
mark wahlberg third nipple
mark wahlberg third nipple pictures

I don’t know why you all are so excited about Wahlberg’s triple nip, but you are.

Here.

"Say hello to your Mother for me!"

“Say hello to your Mother for me!”

3.) Anatomy of a 2 Broke Girls Halloween Costume

2 broke girls costume
2 broke girls outfits
2 broke girls outfit
two broke girls kostüm
(Is that German?)

halloween 2 broke girls couple
diy 2 broke girls costume
2 broke girls latex
(What’s wrong with you?)

two broke girls latex (You too, buddy.)
two broke girls halloween costume

Step One: Find Reference Picture.

Step Two: Determine if you are a “Max” or you are a “Caroline.” (I’m Max. Duh.)

Step Three: Go Shopping – Dress. Ribbon. Apron. Hair. Giant Safety Pins. Name Tags. Boots.

Step Four: Make your apron. Glue the ribbon to your dress with this. Style the wig. Add accessories.

Step Five: Find friends to join you. Now, relax, have fun and bask in your glory. 

2 Broke Girls Oleg Costume2brokemaxandcarolinecostumesmax and caroline costume halloween*My “Caroline” made her necklace with big plastic pearls, gold chain, and these things.

Look. Copy. Win.

4.) Miscellaneous Helpfulness.

  • sometimes i like to meme

That’s ok. Sometimes I do too.

  • what can i make with finished cross stitch

I don’t know. I Google it almost everyday. If you find something, let me know.

  • what was the costume with the crows worn by darlene in roseanne about

She was dressed a Tippi Hedren’s character in The Birds.

See?

  • the walking dead andrea is an idiot

Yes. She is.

  • how to do a collage on pixlromatic
  • pixlr-o-matic add text
  • how to add text with pixlr-o-matic?

You can’t. Download PicsArt.

  • what does it mean if i cant stop drawing roses

It means you really like drawing roses.

the walking dead what if daryl dies

You’ll be fine. Although, I hear there are talks of a riot.

  • stupid andrea walking dead

Yes. She is.

  • pic of clown saying happy birthday meagan

That’s weird and strangely specific and I have no clue how you even got here…however…

HAPPYBIRTHDAYMEAGAN


From Angela Chase to Zombie Girl: A Trip Down Halloween Costume Lane

30 Oct

Hi again! I have more past costumes to share and I have pictures from this weekend’s Halloweening.

What was I you asked? I was “Max” from 2 Broke Girls. My friend Sarah was “Caroline” and KJack was “Oleg.” I’m pretty dang proud of us this year. We did a friggin’ sweet job if I do say so myself. Take a look….

The Real Deal

The Halloween Edition w/ CJack, KJack & Sarah

It’s a damn shame that we weren’t anywhere with a costume contest because we totally would have won all the prizes….once people figured out who we were. Poor Sarah was stuck for 3 hours without me and KJack and while some people shouted “Caroline Channing!” at her, she got some “Are you a slutty waitress?” Ugh. Once the band was back together all was right in the Halloween world. Oh! As my “Caroline” was outside in front of the bar, some chick walked by and said her friend wrote for the show and wanted our picture, so that was pretty groovy! Beth Behrs retweeted our picture and the few compliments from 2 Broke Girls fans were pretty cool. The one dude who pointed out that we weren’t as “hot” as the originals apparently felt the need to both tweet the obvious and rain on my parade, but alas, ’tis hard being a star. 

Keeping in theme with my last post here’s some more side-by-sides of Halloweens past. Enjoy!

ANGELA CHASE FROM MY SO-CALLED LIFE

“School is a battlefield…for your heart.”

HOW TO: Overalls, flannel, Doc Martens, red shoulder-length hair, heaps of teen angst. Maybe the easiest costume of them all.

DARLENE CONNER FROM ROSEANNE

To whom it concerns, this costume is awesome.

HOW TO: Recycle the teen angst from last year’s “Angela” costume and add sarcasm and wit and you have Darlene. Also Needed: Long, black curly wig, black combat boots, black sweater, black jeans, chicken shirt. I will warn you that this was pretty much the only year that not a single person knew who I was. One guy did get close by yelling “Hey! You’re dressed up as Roseanne!” at me. I thought the wig was a dead give-away, but apparently not. joy.

LUCY FROM BOARDWALK EMPIRE

Oh, Paz.

I know, I know, I was really just in a semi-generic 1920’s costume, but we told everyone we were “Nucky & Lucy.”

HOW TO: Lie.

LITTLE ZOMBIE GIRL FROM THE WALKING DEAD

Grrlglghghlghhrhhgh…

This was last year’s costume. I’ll take all the accolades please. Thank you.

HOW TO: I just went out and got replicas (as close as I could) of the pieces of her costume. Bunny slippers, blonde wig, white robe (burned and torn), pink pajamas. As for the face, used copious amounts of liquid latex and toilet paper and found a Youtube tutorial where some guy shows you how to use a paperclip and a rubber band to hold your face open. For some reason, I can’t find the original video, but I’ll keep looking and update this if I find it! I’m still pissed that I put my forehead wound on the wrong side.

As you can see, I’m a big fan of Pop Culture TV costumes. So are my friends.

Bethenny Frankel & Max – Besties for life.

We drank Skinnygirl wine all night…it did not make me skinny, but it made me drunk enough that I didn’t care.

Anything Can Happen On Halloween…

27 Oct

I love Halloween. LOVES IT.
I loves it like Tim Curry in the Worst Witch loves it. 

One year when I was in middle school I got three of my friends to dress as characters from Rocky Horror Picture Show. I was Columbia, my friend Julie was Magenta and my friends Trent & Libby were Brad and Janet. We made Trent and Libby wear name tags. The only person who knew who we were was the mayor of Lebanon, Indiana, Jim Acton. He was in a band, so he was totally hip.

Rock & Roll Acton was the best part of Halloween that year.

My boyfriend went Trick-or-Treating with us that year…he was dressed as Dead Kurt Cobain. He seriously ruined the continuity of our costumes. Jim didn’t mind. He called his wife to come out and see us. It was rad.

Another year my best friend Lauren and I dressed up as Bert & Ernie. My Mom made us masks out of fun foam and painted them. They. were. amahzing. It rained that year and the painted faces on our masks started dripping. We went from fairly straight forward adorable costumes to horrific Sesame Street zombies. It was also rad. I think we tried to snort Pixie Stix that year (I don’t recommend this)…middle school was fun.

Anyhoo…I thought I’d use the next couple days to share some of my most recent Halloween costumes. Maybe you’re stumped for ideas. Maybe you just like nice, neat, little split screen pictures of one girl’s past Halloween attempts at greatness. Maybe you’re stalking me. Whatever the case may be, here you go.

JANIS JOPLIN

“Get it while you can.”

HOW TO: To take a generic “Hippie” costume and make her Janis you just need to add long brown hair and a one of these iconic “Janis-y” touches. A Boa on your head, the round glasses, fur boots, fur hat, bottle of Southern Comfort, lots of necklaces. I should clarify, don’t take a Halloween store “Hippie” costume because they’re always gross, but just find some vintagy normal pieces that make you look like a badass cool chick circa 1967. Be loud, be fabulous and emit an air of massive confidence to over compensate for the crippling pain and insecurity inside. Boom. Janis.

CHUCKY FROM CHILD’S PLAY

This was an attempt to overcome the childhood trauma Chucky caused. It worked…a little.

When I was 7 I saw a preview for Child’s Play on TV. Catherine Hicks checks his batteries and sees there aren’t any, then his head spins around and he says “Hi, I’m Chucky, wanna play?” It was at this exact moment in my young life that I experienced true fear. When I got home I immediately banished Baby Talk and Teddy Ruxpin to the closet, where they spent the rest of their lives locked up so they couldn’t murder me in my sleep. Chucky proceeded to terrify me from that day forward. One time I was playing a claw game in a restaurant and the stuffed animal I picked up with the claw revealed a Chucky plush doll underneath. It was horrible. Anyway…I’ve finally come to grips with my irrational fear and now love Chucky for the foul-mouthed precious old man that he is.

HOW TO: Primary colored striped shirt. Overalls. I painted the “Good Guys” logo (ok…my Mom did) and ironed on a bunch of random little kid theme patches. I bought the plastic knife and painted it like the original poster. Red tennis shoes. Red hair. Say bad words and stab people.
You are Chucky.

SHAUN FROM SHAUN OF THE DEAD

“You’ve got red on you.”

This was the same year I was “Chucky.” If I’m going out more than once I don’t like to repeat my costume…because I’m a freak. This was completely last-minute. I walked down the street to Village Discount thrift store and bought the shirt and tie. Made the name tag on the computer and blooded up.

HOW TO: White men’s button down shirt, black pants, red tie, “SHAUN” name tag from FOREE ELECTRIC. I wore the same red Chucks I wore for “Chucky.” (Pun not intended but appreciated). Splash blood on your face and paint your hands with blood and grab your shirt so there are bloody hand-prints on it. If you have a cricket bat you’re a better man than I. I just drank beer all night and talked with a British accent.

LAUREL MCGOFF FROM KID NATION

Laurel McGoff is my hero.

I already explained my love for Laurel and Kid Nation here. I miss that show. This “How To” is not how to be “Laurel” exactly, but more how to achieve what I did that year.

HOW TO: Pick an obscure character from a reality TV show that you love (no one from the Jersey Shore counts as obscure, by the way). Re-create as many of their iconic traits that you can. For example: Jeff Lewis has perfect hair and wears shirts with collars. He also has shiny plump lips. Carry some color swatches if you need to. Be prepared to explain who you are to people all night and for them to stare at you blankly when you excitedly assure them that “I look just like her!” So what did I achieve that year? The perfect joy of accomplishment when one person sees you across the room, knows exactly who you’re dressed as and thinks you are the most amazing person on Earth. They will buy you drinks all night and tell all their friends that you are the funniest, smartest person at the party/bar. I imagine that it’s fairly similar to what the actual person you’re dressed as experiences in life. You’ve become a Z-list Reality Star*. Congratulations!

That’s all for now…I have to go start putting on my costume for this year.

????

Hmmm…what could it be? There’s a hint around here someplace…if’n you need it.

Come on, guess.

*Dear Jeff Lewis, I do NOT think you’re Z-list. That was for comedy purposes. I apologize. I love you more than words. I want to be your friend. Call me, maybe?

Ahhh…The Theatre…and Beer.

26 Mar

My next show has started. It’s sucking up all my blogging time.

Be patient, Intermittent Readers, I’ll return.

In the meantime, here’s a video on how to make your own beer holster.

I actually saw this on Craft Lab when it aired and while I’d like to think I can make anything with a little elbow grease and a tutorial, leather crafting is hard dammit and these chicks are badass.

If you’re lazy like me you can just go to Brew Holster Cult’s website and buy one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen without ever having to get your hands dirty….until your new beer holster arrives and you fall down drunk and since your hands aren’t busy holding delicious beer you can catch yourself before you bust your face open…so then, maybe, your hands may get a little dirty.

“I knew that Elmo should represent love” – Being Elmo

22 Mar

Have you seen Being Elmo? Well you should, because it’s wonderful. Wonderful!! Last night I came home (still mildly sick from the Great Food Poisoning of 2012) attempted to do some Wii Fit (that little jerkface keeps calling me obese…he’s gonna’ get punched) and after spending 25 minutes Island Cycling until I wanted to die I sat my butt down on the couch.

Since the Wii was still on I figured I’d drop by Netflix to see what was new. If someone were to profile people based on the things they choose to watch on Netflix, I’m sure I’d be on some sort of list, but that’s a post for another day.

Instead of heading to the “Recommended For You” category (I wasn’t in the mood for horrific movies about serial killers…not yesterday anyway), I went to  “New Releases” and there it was, the second movie offered, Being Elmo, the documentary about Kevin Clash. The man behind the muppet.

Four minutes in and I was already sobbing. Granted, I’m a crier, but this was almost too much to Fozzie bear.

1) I love the Muppets! I love that they love so much. It’s all Jim Henson’s fault as I’m quite sure he was the most wonderful human being to ever walk the Earth and he made it his mission to surround himself with like-minded, hilarious, badass loving folk like himself. 

2) I love a story about a kid doing something they love regardless of what others think. The son of a blue collar factory worker (George) and home daycare operator (Gladys), Kevin grew up in a suburb of Baltimore, Maryland. He would build puppets and put on shows for the kids his Mother cared for. His first stage, a blanket tossed over the clothesline in the backyard. He was a teenage boy that played with dolls when everyone (save for George and Gladys) thought he should be playing basketball. Lesser men would have caved under the pressure to fit in. Not Kevin. He’s my hero.

3) The only thing more wonderful to me than a kid following his dreams, is a kid with parents who bust their butts to make sure those dreams come true. Mr. & Mrs. Clash are absolutely divine. You want to know how good children become great people, then look to George and Gladys. They weren’t rich, they couldn’t buy Kevin boatloads of blue fur and googly eyes, but when a young Kevin spied the brown fur-like lining of his Father’s trench coat and thought “I could make a monkey out of that” and then proceeded to “make a monkey out of that,” he got a pretty groovy reaction from his parents. He left the puppet on their dresser and like any little boy who’d just destroyed his Dad’s (maybe only) coat would do, hid. They found him and the first thing his Father said to him? “What’s his name?” Amazeballs. So they told him that next time he should probably ask first and his Mother noted that as talented as this kid is, “Someday, he can buy you a new coat, George.” At one point in the film, someone (Whoopie, maybe?) points out that Elmo isn’t just the love and kindness that’s inside Kevin, Elmo is how much George and Gladys loved Kevin. I gots parents like this too. It’s pretty much the best thing ever.

Now, I’m not saying the guy walks on water or anything, he has his problems. He’s got a daughter who would have liked her Daddy around everyday, but being Elmo for millions of other kids takes up a lot of time, ya’ know? Elmo may be a “furry red monster,” but Kevin Clash is only human.

I didn’t just sit there and sob through the whole thing though…right around the time they showed a clip of a Jim Henson special where he was teaching viewers how to make their own puppets I may or may not have gotten a bit distracted…..

Sup?

That’s Claude.

He’s what happens when CJack has plenty of things around the house that need to be done, but she ends up watching movies about Muppets instead.

KJack came home to a pile of felt and hot glue.

I know, you’re totes jealous.

***FYI – DIY***

Claude was made out of a furry orange sock; an orange ponytail holder (slipped around his head and in his mouth to keep it defined); yellow, white and dark brown felt and hot glue. That’s it. Insta-friend. I haven’t decided yet, but he’s probably British.


Before There Was Blog…There Was Cross Stitch

7 Mar

A month ago I’d come home after work and do cross stitch. Well, I’d come home and sit on the couch and watch TV with KJack and Spike, but recently I’d also been cross stitching. I’ve always done cross stitch. My Grandmothers cross stitch, my Mother cross stitched, my Aunts…it’s kinda’ a thing.

Every time I went into a Michael’s or a Hobby Lobby, straight to the cross stitch “kit” section I would go. I’d look through the landscapes and angels and dolphins and maybe, every so often, I’d find one that didn’t totally suck. I’d take it home and into my collection it would go. Christmas would bring more. Random trips to the craft store by Ma & Pa, more. I has a lots to say the least. And I finish them! I swear! I don’t just hoard them! Not too long ago Sarah came over and I gave her one and we sat on the couch and did cross stitch while drinking wine and watching Lifetime movies. A time was had. I even recently took an unused corner of my “Middle Room” and made a craft corner.

This desire to re-spark the craftiness of my youth may or may not have been in direct correlation to my discovery of Pinterest.

What to do with finished cross stitch projects? Why, hang them haphazardly next to Madonna of course!

So, my supplies were organized and I was ready to get back into this as a hard core cross stitcher. I was ready to join the ranks of Mr. X Stitch and Subversive Cross Stitch and get serious dammit! But I’m just not that cool…not yet anyway. I mean, I’m a “kit” girl! I have 27 pre-packaged kits of cats on bookshelves and cat in the moonlight and cats covered in paint and cats in a barn. I’m not even shitting you, I have every single one of those kits in that bottom right purple drawer in that picture up there. Every. Single. One. And this one….it’s maybe the only one I have that doesn’t have a cat in it.

Where was I? I got distracted tracking down pictures of cats…..oh, yeah, kits…I’m so used to doing these kits that I was too scurred and too lazy to really do much of anything else. Then one day, in one of my Googling fits, I came across PatternCreator.com. You can spend days Googling “DIY Cross Stitch Pattern,” by the way.

I was really looking for a way to take a picture and pixalize it or something and make my own pattern that way for free, but that proved to be too hard and everything came out looking super shitty. I did try to take an old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Nintendo game screen shot and blow it up, then used a ruler and Sharpie to draw the grid on top of it…but that was dumb and was too difficult to do at work without people gettin’ all up in my business when I’m obviously busy…gosh!

Long story, short: I paid $7.49 to take this picture —->

And turn it into a cross stitch pattern with 40 different shades of brown, pink and beige.

I’m clearly a genius.

Whatevs, I really love this picture (Judy! And LIZA! With a Z!!) and found it the same day I found Pattern Creator, so there it is. I probably should have picked an Awesome picture of Spike or something, but I needed a break from cross stitching animals.

I began my work on what was destined to be the most amazing work of cross stitch art ever. I worked a little bit everyday for a few weeks…then I started this whole blog thing and needless to say, progress has…stalled.

I need to find nice little pre-packaged topics I can post about that don’t take up precious Judy & Liza stitching time.

I need a blog kit.

Ah well, the more I do this the more I’ll figure out how to do it I ‘spose.

Wanna’ see how far I got on my Judy & Liza?

Weeks of work people...WEEKS! What. The. Feck.

That's not even the whole thing!! Some of it's still rolled up! Double FECK!!!

I’ve got no chance.

Wow…I was going to set this to publish tomorrow but I goofed. Oh well….I hope this doesn’t ef’ up your flow, Intermittent Readers. I’m quite sure it won’t. I’m going to finish watching Splash and go to bed.


Staticy Bangs Be Gone

29 Feb

So today at work I realized I’m totally a genius and if Shark Tank or Dragons’ Den ever came my way and I wasn’t busy blogging that day, I’d totally take my new invention to the audition and share it with the world.

Imagine the back of his head as the front of my face.

I have a confession to make, I have staticy bangs.

I have super thin, fine hair and when the weather gets they way Chicago weather gets, my new fringe has no benefits. 

Bestie Sarah suggested I carry a dryer sheet around in my purse. Done. So, the general routine is brush bangs into adorable Zooey-like adorablenes…

…which makes me look, instead, like Russell up there…so I pull out my dryer sheet and rub it on my bangs which just jacks them up all over again so I brush them again and they get staticy again…..ugh…you gets the picture, I’m sure.

WELL, today, the dryer sheet was kinda stuck on the brush and I realized I was a genius and had created a beauty tool to be worshiped from this point forward by all beauty tools.

The Staticy Bang Be Gone Brush.

Since I’d like you all (all 5 of you) to share in my glory I’ve created a very detailed tutorial for you to de-static your bangs in 4 simple steps.

Step 1: Gather Supplies

Step 2: Wrap dryer sheet around brush and squish. Tape dryer sheet around handle of brush.

Step 3: Use your new weird looking brush to smooth out bangs.

Step 4: Continue living life as the adorable lady you are, but now with slightly less staticy hair.