I love Halloween. LOVES IT.
I loves it like Tim Curry in the Worst Witch loves it.
One year when I was in middle school I got three of my friends to dress as characters from Rocky Horror Picture Show. I was Columbia, my friend Julie was Magenta and my friends Trent & Libby were Brad and Janet. We made Trent and Libby wear name tags. The only person who knew who we were was the mayor of Lebanon, Indiana, Jim Acton. He was in a band, so he was totally hip.
My boyfriend went Trick-or-Treating with us that year…he was dressed as Dead Kurt Cobain. He seriously ruined the continuity of our costumes. Jim didn’t mind. He called his wife to come out and see us. It was rad.
Another year my best friend Lauren and I dressed up as Bert & Ernie. My Mom made us masks out of fun foam and painted them. They. were. amahzing. It rained that year and the painted faces on our masks started dripping. We went from fairly straight forward adorable costumes to horrific Sesame Street zombies. It was also rad. I think we tried to snort Pixie Stix that year (I don’t recommend this)…middle school was fun.
Anyhoo…I thought I’d use the next couple days to share some of my most recent Halloween costumes. Maybe you’re stumped for ideas. Maybe you just like nice, neat, little split screen pictures of one girl’s past Halloween attempts at greatness. Maybe you’re stalking me. Whatever the case may be, here you go.
HOW TO: To take a generic “Hippie” costume and make her Janis you just need to add long brown hair and a one of these iconic “Janis-y” touches. A Boa on your head, the round glasses, fur boots, fur hat, bottle of Southern Comfort, lots of necklaces. I should clarify, don’t take a Halloween store “Hippie” costume because they’re always gross, but just find some vintagy normal pieces that make you look like a badass cool chick circa 1967. Be loud, be fabulous and emit an air of massive confidence to over compensate for the crippling pain and insecurity inside. Boom. Janis.
CHUCKY FROM CHILD’S PLAY
When I was 7 I saw a preview for Child’s Play on TV. Catherine Hicks checks his batteries and sees there aren’t any, then his head spins around and he says “Hi, I’m Chucky, wanna play?” It was at this exact moment in my young life that I experienced true fear. When I got home I immediately banished Baby Talk and Teddy Ruxpin to the closet, where they spent the rest of their lives locked up so they couldn’t murder me in my sleep. Chucky proceeded to terrify me from that day forward. One time I was playing a claw game in a restaurant and the stuffed animal I picked up with the claw revealed a Chucky plush doll underneath. It was horrible. Anyway…I’ve finally come to grips with my irrational fear and now love Chucky for the foul-mouthed precious old man that he is.
HOW TO: Primary colored striped shirt. Overalls. I painted the “Good Guys” logo (ok…my Mom did) and ironed on a bunch of random little kid theme patches. I bought the plastic knife and painted it like the original poster. Red tennis shoes. Red hair. Say bad words and stab people.
You are Chucky.
SHAUN FROM SHAUN OF THE DEAD
This was the same year I was “Chucky.” If I’m going out more than once I don’t like to repeat my costume…because I’m a freak. This was completely last-minute. I walked down the street to Village Discount thrift store and bought the shirt and tie. Made the name tag on the computer and blooded up.
HOW TO: White men’s button down shirt, black pants, red tie, “SHAUN” name tag from FOREE ELECTRIC. I wore the same red Chucks I wore for “Chucky.” (Pun not intended but appreciated). Splash blood on your face and paint your hands with blood and grab your shirt so there are bloody hand-prints on it. If you have a cricket bat you’re a better man than I. I just drank beer all night and talked with a British accent.
LAUREL MCGOFF FROM KID NATION
I already explained my love for Laurel and Kid Nation here. I miss that show. This “How To” is not how to be “Laurel” exactly, but more how to achieve what I did that year.
HOW TO: Pick an obscure character from a reality TV show that you love (no one from the Jersey Shore counts as obscure, by the way). Re-create as many of their iconic traits that you can. For example: Jeff Lewis has perfect hair and wears shirts with collars. He also has shiny plump lips. Carry some color swatches if you need to. Be prepared to explain who you are to people all night and for them to stare at you blankly when you excitedly assure them that “I look just like her!” So what did I achieve that year? The perfect joy of accomplishment when one person sees you across the room, knows exactly who you’re dressed as and thinks you are the most amazing person on Earth. They will buy you drinks all night and tell all their friends that you are the funniest, smartest person at the party/bar. I imagine that it’s fairly similar to what the actual person you’re dressed as experiences in life. You’ve become a Z-list Reality Star*. Congratulations!
That’s all for now…I have to go start putting on my costume for this year.
Hmmm…what could it be? There’s a hint around here someplace…if’n you need it.
*Dear Jeff Lewis, I do NOT think you’re Z-list. That was for comedy purposes. I apologize. I love you more than words. I want to be your friend. Call me, maybe?