The ABC’s of the Zombie Apocalypse – B is for BRAIIINNNSSS!

12 Mar

Today’s post will contain absolutely NO SPOILERS about Walking Dead…However, I’m dying to talk about it!! Next time, C is for CONSEQUENCE and I’ll have plenty to say…so make sure you’re caught up by then. So, today, I give you…


So we all know that Zombies eat brains, right?

I mean, that’s what the t-shirts tell us so it MUST be true!

PICTURED: Uninformed T-Shirt & A Shot Ski

Except they don’t, do they?

As I think back on what I know of Zombies, I can’t for the life of me remember one instance where a staggering, undead version of grandma ever really got down to it and took a bone saw to someone’s skull in order to get to the delicious brains inside. That seems like a whole hell of a lot of work for a species that isn’t particularly known for problem solving.

In fact, they seem to go for whatever is within biting distance.

Faces tend to get eaten a lot. And why not? When you’re standing face to rotting face the easiest thing to do is reach out, grab head, pull forward, eat face. I guess we could assume that the beeline towards the face could be an indication that they’re aiming for brains in their bellies and not cheek skin, but I don’t think so.

George Romero doesn’t think so either. Apparently Dan O’Bannon is to blame.

However, the concept of human brains as the Zombie equivalent to Aspirin seems to have died with O’Bannon’s foray into Zombie flicks.

Yet, when it comes to merchandising, it’s stuck.

Games, Blogs, Dessert Plates, Headbands, etc…

Lunch Bags even.

There seems to be no end to the production & creation of things (Totally cool things, no less!) that tell us that Zombies eat brains.

But they don’t, do they?

Have we all been lied to by the media? Is someone trying to hide the truth by feeding us misinformation!?!?

Just what are we, the brave survivors of this Zombie Apocalypse, supposed to believe?!!

Look, here’s the dilly, yo. Zombies don’t eat brains, but they sure as shit WANT brains, because they know they’re missing.

We’re mistakenly led to believe that when the Undead head for our heads it’s because their bellies crave the gray matter. When we hear the occasional Zombie, who’s lungs and trachea haven’t yet rotted, mutter “braaaiiinnnnssss,” we are conditioned to think that it’s like a hungry bear’s roar or a starving rabid dog’s bark. This makes it all the more easy to take them down, put them out of their misery. They’re just the husks of people after all. Mindless, hungry for brains and human flesh monsters with absolutely no connection to the person they once were.

Are you sure about that?

Let’s look at TWD‘s first episode. That little girl stopped and picked up that teddy bear.

Why come? Is she hungry for sweet, delicious plush brains? No. She remembers it. The brain (or part of the brain) is what’s keeping these Zombies up and running after all. So why wouldn’t there be some remnants of the person that once was?

Maybe we’re led to believe that a Zombie’s only desire for brains is of the evil, all consuming variety and not the last flailing attempts to communicate that they’re still in there somewhere and maybe they could find their way back to life, if they only had more brains.

So why the conditioning towards the former? Maybe it’s so we don’t start locking Zombies in barns and backyard sheds. Can you imagine the programs the Post-ZA world would have to put in place to care for Pet Zombies if we didn’t destroy them all? The laws that would have to be put in place? The insurance?

Maybe our future actually looks a lot more like this…

Then again, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there’s no such thing as Zombies….maybe it’s all an intricate metaphor for the actual world we live in, but what would really be the fun in that?


8 Responses to “The ABC’s of the Zombie Apocalypse – B is for BRAIIINNNSSS!”

  1. saradraws March 12, 2012 at 5:41 pm #

    Have you read “The Zombie Survival Guide” By Max….somebody?
    Also, I made the mistake of going on Twitter last night. So TWD is SO SPOILED FOR ME.

    • CJack March 12, 2012 at 6:15 pm #

      The Twitter is a harsh mistress! You know it was bound to happen though!

      I haven’t read that, but I’ve heard of it. Have you? I needs to go out and get it.

      • saradraws March 12, 2012 at 6:45 pm #

        A friend lent it to me, and I’m about 1/3 in…it nerdtastic.

      • CJack March 12, 2012 at 6:48 pm #


        Fweet=Fuckin’ Sweet

  2. clownonfire March 12, 2012 at 11:49 am #

    Seriously, this article was fu*king great.

    • CJack March 12, 2012 at 11:53 am #

      It took me far too long to write it. I’m pretty much half-Zombie now.

      • clownonfire March 12, 2012 at 12:01 pm #

        No pun intended, of course.

      • CJack March 12, 2012 at 12:02 pm #

        Of course.

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