Still Alive. Been Solving Mysteries. #Jinkies

5 Oct

See Skooby Don’t at Mary’s Attic Chicago – Presented by Hell in a Handbag Productions!

 

Poster Design by Michael Miller
Character Art by Tim Paul
Photos by Rick Aguilar Studios

#Second City Karaoke – Competitive Karaoke?

6 May
Stop. Collaborate. And. Listen.

Stop. Collaborate. And. Listen.

I’ve signed up for Second City Karaoke – I can’t wait to tell you all about it. The seedy underbelly of Competitive Karaoke. Starts next week. There’s already drama. Shit’s gonna’ get real.

Stay tuned.

NOISY CRICKETS 4 LYFE.

 

#Dear Marky Mark – I Beg Your Pardon?

5 Dec

Dear Marky Mark,

I get it. You are a good guy now. I like you, I do! When you were 16 you did an awful, horrible, racist, drunken, asshole thing and you were punished for it. You’re totally sorry and turned your life around. Good! That’s awesome! I’m really glad you know that beating guys up and blinding a dude was a really bad thing and you want to help other awful asshole teenagers from being awful asshole teenagers, but…and here’s where I’m confused about your request for a “pardon,” if you teach kids that they can do bad things when they’re young and eventually, (if you grow up to be a movie star and ask really nicely), you’ll be told it’s OK and your punishment will be voided and you can have a license to sell crap in your celebrity restaurant that you wouldn’t have been able to sell otherwise because of that pesky assault conviction, then we’re teaching kids that if you get rich and famous enough, you can do whatever the feck you want and someday someone will make the bad things you did go away. Maybe you think having a third nipple is punishment enough. I don’t know….but maybe you should probably not complain right now….at least, while you were running from the cops all those many years ago, you didn’t get shot in the back. You got to grow up and play a porn star and sing hip hop songs and open a burger restaurant with your mom and your brothers.

Love, a Fan.

Wahlberg Family

Mark, Paul, Mom, Donnie – Wahlburgers

Heartbreaking Photo Of Real Life Catfish Caught On Camera

8 May wpid-img_259390708924966.jpeg

He said he was tall, slim, held a “leadership position” at work. He said he worked in law enforcement. When they talked on the phone, he had one of those voices that just made you feel safe, loved, relaxed. He sounded like the nicest man in the world. But sometimes, he would disappear. He wouldn’t be online, wouldn’t call or return texts for weeks at a time, like clockwork every couple years, but eventually he always got back to her, saying he was really busy “helping out his friend.” When she started getting suspicious she messaged his other Facebook friends. They had nothing but nice things to say about him. Worshiped him, she noticed. She understood. She was falling in love with him too. Finally a girl claiming to be his “sister,” Jessie, contacted her and said that he was ready to meet. They’d all be in New York for his sister’s upcoming wedding, to his best friend and that she should find the time to meet….IRL. It was now or never.

When she finally met him in Times Square, she realized she’d been toyed with all along.

image

I’m Still Alive….I’ve Been Cross Stitching. Don’t Be Jealous.

12 Feb

I'm Still Alive....I've Been Cross Stitching. Don't Be Jealous.

I’m still here. I swear. There should be a Zombie ABC entry coming in the near future. In the meantime, I’ve been using all available free time to cross stitch a photo realistic picture of Judy Garland hugging a teenage Liza Minnelli. Because that’s how I do.

 

You're about to be XSTITCHED!

You’re about to be XSTITCHED!

In Defense of Miley Cyrus: Part I – The Tongue

27 Aug

This is the first, in what may or may not be a multi-part “In Defense of Miley” oeuvre that I’ll keep adding to until people stop talking about it.

I mean really, I’ve never seen such mass hysteria over a pop star before…..geeze.

I didn’t watch the VMA’s Sunday night. I did, however, watch the video of Miley Cyrus’ performance. I had seen Facebook status after Facebook status, describing it as “disgusting,” “WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?!?!?,” “I weep for our country,” “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore,” “If I was her mother…,” “Does Miley Cyrus actually think sticking her tongue out like that is attractive??!”

 That last one stopped me. Maybe it was the use of the word “attractive.” As a young woman with a penchant for blue humor and unbiased love for fart jokes, I heard crap like that all the time. “Oh…that’s attractive.” The sarcasm dripping off that word like it was melting. “Come on now Caitlin, that’s not very attractive…” as I aped a joke lifted from some boy who’d gotten primo laughs with it just the day before. I was just doing something I thought was fun or funny and a fart joke never killed anyone so I was (and still am) confused when I was chastised for not making myself attractive to people. Who am I supposed to be attracting? What if my whole goal was to be unattractive? Why is that such a bad thing? People do weird, gross shit for any number of reasons. I have a friend who cracks their knuckles all the time and a friend who loves to give people Wet Willies and another who can burp the alphabet. Sometimes, I enjoy timing my farts so they sound like my ass is talking to people or singing along to the Mario Brothers Theme Song (I don’t care what my Husband says, it’s f’ing hilarious). Miley sticks out her tongue. It’s just one of these things that we do.   

Hannah Montana circa 2008 or "Before She Was Scary."

Hannah Montana circa 2008 or “Before She Was Scary.”

And it’s not as if she came up with this horrifically offensive tongue wagging just to terrify you Sunday night and make you clutch your children and decry Miley as a Hypersexual Hell Beast From Crotchgrabia.

She’s a grown woman (some may argue that 20 does not a woman make, but that’s an entirely different argument) whose penchant for sticking out her tongue has become somewhat of a thing for her, putting on a show intended to freak people out and launch a thousand Tweets. What do you know? It worked.

 I’m pretty sure MC wasn’t trying to shock the world’s population in these pictures. Chances are, she was probably, “just bein’ Miley.”

  HOW DARE YOU!?!??!!? THERE’S A CHILD NEXT TO YOU! Wait…is that James Woods behind you?

 

If my tongue was that big I’d want to liberate it from its mouth cage too. Give her a break on the tongue thing, ok? Chillax.

You Slut.

You Slut.

To Be Continued…..in In Defense of Miley Cyrus: Part II – The Crotch Grab

#I’m Dumb – The Sparkle Pony Edition

1 Mar

My new favorite show is Portlandia. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen play various people living life in Portland, OR. It’s hilarious and amazing and wonderful, but this isn’t a post about my love of Portlandia. This is a post about how I’m a moron.

So, I kinda’ wanna’ be a hipster. I aspire to be Zooey Deschanel. That guy Wilco is my favorite band. I only drink Vegan beer. (one truth, two lies.)

Anyhoo…while doing some research for a post for a friend’s blog today I stumbled upon this….

Wait...I know that girl....

Wait…I know that girl….

In season 1 of Portlandia a music fest had come to Portland, Blunderbus. Hispsters were everywhere and one sad, lonely girl with bows in her hair and a guitar case covered in stickers couldn’t get into any of the venues because everyone thought she was a weirdo. I loved her. She said she was the band Sparkle Pony. At the time I thought, “Wow…that chick is super real and funny. I wonder why I haven’t seen her do more stuff.”  Because she’s in The fucking Decemberists you idiot, that’s why. Jenny Conlee. Not an actress, but an actual muscian that, according to Wikipedia, plays every instrument on Earth. They’re on the soundtrack for The Hunger Games for Christ’s sake.

What rock have I been living under? I’ve LITERALLY heard every single one of their songs on one of my stupid Pandora hipster stations I create, but I had absolutely no clue who they were. Clearly.

You know, this isn’t acutally my fault. Back in the day I could have counted on MTV or Sound FX to show me music videos where I could put faces to names, but now all I have to rely on is Apple Commercials and Internet Radio. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!!!

Jenny Conlee, I’m sorry I thought you were just some local Portland actress who got her big break playing a weird girl with a guitar in the fifth episode of the first season of a sketch comedy show on IFC.

"I like your bows."

I like your bows. I’m sorry I didn’t know who you were. I love you.

God I miss Sound FX.

I’m Helpful – Answers to Questions People Googled To Get Here.

16 Feb

I was checking C’mon Mr. Sunshine’s stats (that sounds dirty) and I was struck with how odd the list of search terms that poor, unsuspecting people in need of real answers to real questions used to end up at my blog.

I'm sorry you Googled this and ended up at my weird blog.

I’m sorry you Googled this and ended up at my weird blog.

My inner-humanitarian has decided to help them should they ever return.

We're very alike.

We’re very alike.

1.) The Amy Smart Walking Dead Confusion

amy smart walking dead
is amy smart on the walking dead

No. She isn’t. I think you think she’s Andrea. You’re wrong. You might think she’s Beth. Not that either. Maybe you think she was in the first season as Andrea’s sister Amy. No. I know you think she’s Andrea. Knock it off.

I honestly don’t think they look alike. There’s also about 10 years between them.

.

It would be nice, though, if Ashton Kutcher could take a look at some of the older Walking Dead scripts, get a nosebleed, and fix Andrea’s dumbassery.

.

 

2.) The Curious Attraction To Marky Mark’s Third Nip.

marky mark 3rd nipple
3rd nipple
marky mark third nipple
mark wahlberg third nipple
mark wahlberg third nipple pictures

I don’t know why you all are so excited about Wahlberg’s triple nip, but you are.

Here.

"Say hello to your Mother for me!"

“Say hello to your Mother for me!”

3.) Anatomy of a 2 Broke Girls Halloween Costume

2 broke girls costume
2 broke girls outfits
2 broke girls outfit
two broke girls kostüm
(Is that German?)

halloween 2 broke girls couple
diy 2 broke girls costume
2 broke girls latex
(What’s wrong with you?)

two broke girls latex (You too, buddy.)
two broke girls halloween costume

Step One: Find Reference Picture.

Step Two: Determine if you are a “Max” or you are a “Caroline.” (I’m Max. Duh.)

Step Three: Go Shopping – Dress. Ribbon. Apron. Hair. Giant Safety Pins. Name Tags. Boots.

Step Four: Make your apron. Glue the ribbon to your dress with this. Style the wig. Add accessories.

Step Five: Find friends to join you. Now, relax, have fun and bask in your glory. 

2 Broke Girls Oleg Costume2brokemaxandcarolinecostumesmax and caroline costume halloween*My “Caroline” made her necklace with big plastic pearls, gold chain, and these things.

Look. Copy. Win.

4.) Miscellaneous Helpfulness.

  • sometimes i like to meme

That’s ok. Sometimes I do too.

  • what can i make with finished cross stitch

I don’t know. I Google it almost everyday. If you find something, let me know.

  • what was the costume with the crows worn by darlene in roseanne about

She was dressed a Tippi Hedren’s character in The Birds.

See?

  • the walking dead andrea is an idiot

Yes. She is.

  • how to do a collage on pixlromatic
  • pixlr-o-matic add text
  • how to add text with pixlr-o-matic?

You can’t. Download PicsArt.

  • what does it mean if i cant stop drawing roses

It means you really like drawing roses.

the walking dead what if daryl dies

You’ll be fine. Although, I hear there are talks of a riot.

  • stupid andrea walking dead

Yes. She is.

  • pic of clown saying happy birthday meagan

That’s weird and strangely specific and I have no clue how you even got here…however…

HAPPYBIRTHDAYMEAGAN


Change is Good & #Survivor: Caramoan – The Monkey Wins

15 Feb

Hi!

Spike & I miss you. We do. We swear it.

Spike & I miss you. We do. We swear it.

It occurs to me that the reason I don’t post as often anymore is because the  majority of my entries tend to be epic, wordy blogs and lately, I just haven’t had the time to be epic and wordy.

Which sucks balls.

BUT!

Just because that’s what was (and will still be, every now and then) doesn’t mean that has to be what is. I annoy my friends and family with fascinating (imho) things everyday on the Facebook. Why not share that with you? And by “you” I mean the one person left who has forgotten to delete me from their following…maybe two. I’ve decided to steal that hashtag fella’ and use him to indicate mini-blogs….until I decide it’s lame and stop. 

My first Blip (Blog + Quip) or should it be Quog? Help me decide, will ya’?

Anyway, my first # is about the guy that’s definitely, without question going to win Survivor: Caramoan this season.

Not Pictured: “The Guy That’s Definitely Going To Win Survivor: Caramoan This Season.”

I hope he’s in every episode. I took a really crappy video of my television so that I could share this with the world.

 

You’re welcome.

Wednesdays Are For Comics: “Star Trek: The Next Generation/Doctor Who-Assimilation2 #6”

7 Nov

KJack’s Back.

Star Trek: The Next Generation/ Doctor Who Assimilation #6

Written by Scott & David Tipton

Art by Gordon Purcell and J.K. Woodward

Reviewed by KJack

 

                Nerdgasm. That’s what I call this issue. If you’re a fan of either Star Trek or Doctor Who, and you’re not reading this book, obviously you’re missing out. It’s rare that the popular fan-boy debate about villain vs. villain from a different property actually sees the light of publication, but it’s even rarer still that it’s given such a high quality treatment.

The Tipton brothers have definitely thought about the question: “Who would win a war between The Borg and The Cybermen?” more than maybe anyone should. (That’s a compliment) Not only do they flesh this battle out better than I ever expected a comic book writer could, but they expertly factor in the crazy variables that are The Doctor, Captain Picard, and any companions/crew that might be helping them. The back and forth between the crews of the TARDIS and the Enterprise, the explanations of how the Borg and Cybermen interact, and the attempts to time travel and mess with Picard’s past, all make this one of this week’s most entertaining comics by far. The painted art is beautiful at times and is always true to the characters that we’ve come to know and love. It’s the writing of these characters and their wonderfully complicated circumstances, however, that make this book so enjoyable.

CJack couldn’t let a post go by without using her stupid apps to make a picture.

4 out of 5 POWS!!