The ABC’s of the Zombie Apocalypse – C is for CONSEQUENCE (Part I)

25 Oct

**Contains all the spoilers for all The Walking Dead**

We’re days away from the season 3 premier episode 3 of The Walking Dead on AMC. It’s been almost 7 months since we left Rick and the rest of the survivors and I didn’t know how much I missed them until I started re-watching the series today 3 weeks ago. Like, really…really missed them. Mostly just Rick though…the others are a big batch of annoying that just seem to make Rick’s life difficult if you ask me.

Anyhoo…the premier of the new TWD season coupled with the impending arrival of Halloween and the fact that I haven’t written anything in what feels like a bajillion years has led me to this, the third entry in………

The ABC’s of The Zombie Apocalypse:

C is for Consequence!

“C” became “Consequence” because of another “C,” Carl.  Who I may have called by another “C” word often during Season 2, but I digress…

Here’s my Carl conundrum; His pre-teen douchbaggary is 100% responsible for killing Dale. 100%. He made a very specific choice to act like an asshole. His decision to throw rocks at the Stuck-in-the-Mud-Walker followed by his inability to kill said walker led to Dale’s death.

It’s like Alien Vs. Predator, but with more facial hair and elderly man-sass.

I’m not going to fault him for freaking out once the walker started to get loose and being unable to take it down. He’s a kid. I get it, but he failed to foresee any consequences to his actions and that’s why Dale’s dead. If, instead of completely ignoring Carl and then spending obscene amounts of time looking for him once he fucked off somewhere, Lori and the rest of the gang had been teaching him valuable lessons in cause & effect, perhaps Dale would be alive and still be competing with Hershel for the “Wise Old Guy” position of the group. A few conversations about logic would have been more beneficial than Shane’s how-to-catch-frogs tutorial. 

Now, let’s walk through this particular scenario:

OVER 40 POSSIBLE ENDINGS!!! NOT ALL OF THEM END IN HORRIFIC DEATH!! (ALTHOUGH MOST OF THEM DO)

Boy sees restrained Walker.

Boy has 3 choices:

  1. Kill walker
  2. Alert a sane adult (there’s got to be a few around here somewhere, right?) or….
  3. ACT LIKE AN FUCKING ASSHOLE KID AND THROW ROCKS AT IT.

Now to explore the consequences of the only three viable options:

Comic Book Carl doesn’t fuck around.

1. Kill walker – Carl has a gun. He’s seen how they’re used and practiced shooting. The walker is restrained and stationary. It’s a perfect opportunity to man-up and take the opportunity to face what it’s going to be like to kill something. You know you’re going to have to do it eventually, kid, and here you have one wrapped up in a nice neat meat bow just for you.

CONSEQUENCE: Walker’s no longer a threat. Self satisfaction in eliminating the threat on your own. Mental & physical preparation for a necessary and vital act you’ll need to perform nearly everyday of the rest of your life while living during the Zombie Apocalypse.

2. Alert Sane* Adult – You’re still a hero kid! Go tell Rick! Dale! Daryl! Glenn! T-Dog! (Poor T-Dog, one would think “Where’s T-Dog?” would be just as common an inquiry as “Where’s Carl?”)

They always make T-Dog take the picture.

CONSEQUENCE: Sane adult kills walker and identifies this area of the woods as un-explored and potentially dangerous leading to a sweep of the area and the potential elimination of more walkers.

NO!

*It would be counter-productive to go to one of the batshit crazy survivors like Shane, Lori, Andrea or Hershel because you can’t predict the actions of crazy people and the whole point of this exercise is to logically predict the consequences of various reactions to a problem and then choose the safest, most helpful course of action that does not, in any way, end with Dale being disemboweled.

I thought an Instagram filter would make him look more like a douche. I was right.

3. Throw Rocks At It –Instead of reveling in the luck that you’ve stumbled upon a vicious killing machine that is paying zero attention to you and is unable to move, you start chucking rocks at it. While this is a brave and valiant choice when attempting to lure a walker away from its intended victim, it’s pure dumbass douchieness to do this in any other situation.

CONSEQUENCE: Walker is annoyed. Walker now smells food. Walker has all the time in the world to work his way out of his mud prison and follow that smell to food source, i.e. your friends and family. Eats Dale.

Close enough.

This post was of epic length and my lunch break is almost over….stay tuned for Part II where I get all philosophical about more crap that isn’t real.

To be continued….

This has nothing to do with the actual post, but contains the words “stay tuned” and is a fantastic movie.

4 Responses to “The ABC’s of the Zombie Apocalypse – C is for CONSEQUENCE (Part I)”

  1. saradraws October 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm #

    I hate that kid. I reckon I would’ve liked the comic book version better.

    • CJack October 25, 2012 at 1:56 pm #

      I like him a whole hell of a lot more now! Season 3 Carl is wayyyy better. I think it’s the hair that does it.

      • saradraws October 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm #

        WE SHALL SEE….

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The ABC’s of the Zombie Apocalypse – C is for CONSEQUENCE (Part II) « Come on, Mr. Sunshine - November 6, 2012

    [...] few weeks ago I wrote Part I of the third letter in my little Alphabetical Zombie Survival Guide. For the 4 of you that read it [...]

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