I’m Still Alive….I’ve Been Cross Stitching. Don’t Be Jealous.

12 Feb

I'm Still Alive....I've Been Cross Stitching. Don't Be Jealous.

I’m still here. I swear. There should be a Zombie ABC entry coming in the near future. In the meantime, I’ve been using all available free time to cross stitch a photo realistic picture of Judy Garland hugging a teenage Liza Minnelli. Because that’s how I do.

 

You're about to be XSTITCHED!

You’re about to be XSTITCHED!

In Defense of Miley Cyrus: Part I – The Tongue

27 Aug

This is the first, in what may or may not be a multi-part “In Defense of Miley” oeuvre that I’ll keep adding to until people stop talking about it.

I mean really, I’ve never seen such mass hysteria over a pop star before…..geeze.

I didn’t watch the VMA’s Sunday night. I did, however, watch the video of Miley Cyrus’ performance. I had seen Facebook status after Facebook status, describing it as “disgusting,” “WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?!?!?,” “I weep for our country,” “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore,” “If I was her mother…,” “Does Miley Cyrus actually think sticking her tongue out like that is attractive??!”

 That last one stopped me. Maybe it was the use of the word “attractive.” As a young woman with a penchant for blue humor and unbiased love for fart jokes, I heard crap like that all the time. “Oh…that’s attractive.” The sarcasm dripping off that word like it was melting. “Come on now Caitlin, that’s not very attractive…” as I aped a joke lifted from some boy who’d gotten primo laughs with it just the day before. I was just doing something I thought was fun or funny and a fart joke never killed anyone so I was (and still am) confused when I was chastised for not making myself attractive to people. Who am I supposed to be attracting? What if my whole goal was to be unattractive? Why is that such a bad thing? People do weird, gross shit for any number of reasons. I have a friend who cracks their knuckles all the time and a friend who loves to give people Wet Willies and another who can burp the alphabet. Sometimes, I enjoy timing my farts so they sound like my ass is talking to people or singing along to the Mario Brothers Theme Song (I don’t care what my Husband says, it’s f’ing hilarious). Miley sticks out her tongue. It’s just one of these things that we do.   

Hannah Montana circa 2008 or "Before She Was Scary."

Hannah Montana circa 2008 or “Before She Was Scary.”

And it’s not as if she came up with this horrifically offensive tongue wagging just to terrify you Sunday night and make you clutch your children and decry Miley as a Hypersexual Hell Beast From Crotchgrabia.

She’s a grown woman (some may argue that 20 does not a woman make, but that’s an entirely different argument) whose penchant for sticking out her tongue has become somewhat of a thing for her, putting on a show intended to freak people out and launch a thousand Tweets. What do you know? It worked.

 I’m pretty sure MC wasn’t trying to shock the world’s population in these pictures. Chances are, she was probably, “just bein’ Miley.”

  HOW DARE YOU!?!??!!? THERE’S A CHILD NEXT TO YOU! Wait…is that James Woods behind you?

 

If my tongue was that big I’d want to liberate it from its mouth cage too. Give her a break on the tongue thing, ok? Chillax.

You Slut.

You Slut.

To Be Continued…..in In Defense of Miley Cyrus: Part II – The Crotch Grab

#I’m Dumb – The Sparkle Pony Edition

1 Mar

My new favorite show is Portlandia. I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen play various people living life in Portland, OR. It’s hilarious and amazing and wonderful, but this isn’t a post about my love of Portlandia. This is a post about how I’m a moron.

So, I kinda’ wanna’ be a hipster. I aspire to be Zooey Deschanel. That guy Wilco is my favorite band. I only drink Vegan beer. (one truth, two lies.)

Anyhoo…while doing some research for a post for a friend’s blog today I stumbled upon this….

Wait...I know that girl....

Wait…I know that girl….

In season 1 of Portlandia a music fest had come to Portland, Blunderbus. Hispsters were everywhere and one sad, lonely girl with bows in her hair and a guitar case covered in stickers couldn’t get into any of the venues because everyone thought she was a weirdo. I loved her. She said she was the band Sparkle Pony. At the time I thought, “Wow…that chick is super real and funny. I wonder why I haven’t seen her do more stuff.”  Because she’s in The fucking Decemberists you idiot, that’s why. Jenny Conlee. Not an actress, but an actual muscian that, according to Wikipedia, plays every instrument on Earth. They’re on the soundtrack for The Hunger Games for Christ’s sake.

What rock have I been living under? I’ve LITERALLY heard every single one of their songs on one of my stupid Pandora hipster stations I create, but I had absolutely no clue who they were. Clearly.

You know, this isn’t acutally my fault. Back in the day I could have counted on MTV or Sound FX to show me music videos where I could put faces to names, but now all I have to rely on is Apple Commercials and Internet Radio. THIS IS NOT MY FAULT!!!

Jenny Conlee, I’m sorry I thought you were just some local Portland actress who got her big break playing a weird girl with a guitar in the fifth episode of the first season of a sketch comedy show on IFC.

"I like your bows."

I like your bows. I’m sorry I didn’t know who you were. I love you.

God I miss Sound FX.

I’m Helpful – Answers to Questions People Googled To Get Here.

16 Feb

I was checking C’mon Mr. Sunshine’s stats (that sounds dirty) and I was struck with how odd the list of search terms that poor, unsuspecting people in need of real answers to real questions used to end up at my blog.

I'm sorry you Googled this and ended up at my weird blog.

I’m sorry you Googled this and ended up at my weird blog.

My inner-humanitarian has decided to help them should they ever return.

We're very alike.

We’re very alike.

1.) The Amy Smart Walking Dead Confusion

amy smart walking dead
is amy smart on the walking dead

No. She isn’t. I think you think she’s Andrea. You’re wrong. You might think she’s Beth. Not that either. Maybe you think she was in the first season as Andrea’s sister Amy. No. I know you think she’s Andrea. Knock it off.

I honestly don’t think they look alike. There’s also about 10 years between them.

.

It would be nice, though, if Ashton Kutcher could take a look at some of the older Walking Dead scripts, get a nosebleed, and fix Andrea’s dumbassery.

.

 

2.) The Curious Attraction To Marky Mark’s Third Nip.

marky mark 3rd nipple
3rd nipple
marky mark third nipple
mark wahlberg third nipple
mark wahlberg third nipple pictures

I don’t know why you all are so excited about Wahlberg’s triple nip, but you are.

Here.

"Say hello to your Mother for me!"

“Say hello to your Mother for me!”

3.) Anatomy of a 2 Broke Girls Halloween Costume

2 broke girls costume
2 broke girls outfits
2 broke girls outfit
two broke girls kostüm
(Is that German?)

halloween 2 broke girls couple
diy 2 broke girls costume
2 broke girls latex
(What’s wrong with you?)

two broke girls latex (You too, buddy.)
two broke girls halloween costume

Step One: Find Reference Picture.

Step Two: Determine if you are a “Max” or you are a “Caroline.” (I’m Max. Duh.)

Step Three: Go Shopping – Dress. Ribbon. Apron. Hair. Giant Safety Pins. Name Tags. Boots.

Step Four: Make your apron. Glue the ribbon to your dress with this. Style the wig. Add accessories.

Step Five: Find friends to join you. Now, relax, have fun and bask in your glory. 

2 Broke Girls Oleg Costume2brokemaxandcarolinecostumesmax and caroline costume halloween*My “Caroline” made her necklace with big plastic pearls, gold chain, and these things.

Look. Copy. Win.

4.) Miscellaneous Helpfulness.

  • sometimes i like to meme

That’s ok. Sometimes I do too.

  • what can i make with finished cross stitch

I don’t know. I Google it almost everyday. If you find something, let me know.

  • what was the costume with the crows worn by darlene in roseanne about

She was dressed a Tippi Hedren’s character in The Birds.

See?

  • the walking dead andrea is an idiot

Yes. She is.

  • how to do a collage on pixlromatic
  • pixlr-o-matic add text
  • how to add text with pixlr-o-matic?

You can’t. Download PicsArt.

  • what does it mean if i cant stop drawing roses

It means you really like drawing roses.

the walking dead what if daryl dies

You’ll be fine. Although, I hear there are talks of a riot.

  • stupid andrea walking dead

Yes. She is.

  • pic of clown saying happy birthday meagan

That’s weird and strangely specific and I have no clue how you even got here…however…

HAPPYBIRTHDAYMEAGAN


Change is Good & #Survivor: Caramoan – The Monkey Wins

15 Feb

Hi!

Spike & I miss you. We do. We swear it.

Spike & I miss you. We do. We swear it.

It occurs to me that the reason I don’t post as often anymore is because the  majority of my entries tend to be epic, wordy blogs and lately, I just haven’t had the time to be epic and wordy.

Which sucks balls.

BUT!

Just because that’s what was (and will still be, every now and then) doesn’t mean that has to be what is. I annoy my friends and family with fascinating (imho) things everyday on the Facebook. Why not share that with you? And by “you” I mean the one person left who has forgotten to delete me from their following…maybe two. I’ve decided to steal that hashtag fella’ and use him to indicate mini-blogs….until I decide it’s lame and stop. 

My first Blip (Blog + Quip) or should it be Quog? Help me decide, will ya’?

Anyway, my first # is about the guy that’s definitely, without question going to win Survivor: Caramoan this season.

Not Pictured: “The Guy That’s Definitely Going To Win Survivor: Caramoan This Season.”

I hope he’s in every episode. I took a really crappy video of my television so that I could share this with the world.

 

You’re welcome.

Wednesdays Are For Comics: “Star Trek: The Next Generation/Doctor Who-Assimilation2 #6″

7 Nov

KJack’s Back.

Star Trek: The Next Generation/ Doctor Who Assimilation #6

Written by Scott & David Tipton

Art by Gordon Purcell and J.K. Woodward

Reviewed by KJack

 

                Nerdgasm. That’s what I call this issue. If you’re a fan of either Star Trek or Doctor Who, and you’re not reading this book, obviously you’re missing out. It’s rare that the popular fan-boy debate about villain vs. villain from a different property actually sees the light of publication, but it’s even rarer still that it’s given such a high quality treatment.

The Tipton brothers have definitely thought about the question: “Who would win a war between The Borg and The Cybermen?” more than maybe anyone should. (That’s a compliment) Not only do they flesh this battle out better than I ever expected a comic book writer could, but they expertly factor in the crazy variables that are The Doctor, Captain Picard, and any companions/crew that might be helping them. The back and forth between the crews of the TARDIS and the Enterprise, the explanations of how the Borg and Cybermen interact, and the attempts to time travel and mess with Picard’s past, all make this one of this week’s most entertaining comics by far. The painted art is beautiful at times and is always true to the characters that we’ve come to know and love. It’s the writing of these characters and their wonderfully complicated circumstances, however, that make this book so enjoyable.

CJack couldn’t let a post go by without using her stupid apps to make a picture.

4 out of 5 POWS!!

The ABC’s of the Zombie Apocalypse – C is for CONSEQUENCE (Part II)

6 Nov

A few weeks ago I wrote Part I of the third letter in my little Alphabetical Zombie Survival Guide. For the 4 of you that read it I promised more….I know you’re simply dying for part II aren’t you? Well, here you go.

This post only contains Walking Dead spoilers through Season 2…It doesn’t have spoilers from this last episode….but it should because IT IS TOTALLY RELEVANT…but I digress…

When you Google Image Search “part two” you get a lot of depressed Robert Pattinsons.

In the first part I wrote about Carl’s douchebaggary in Season 2 of TWD when he threw rocks at the mud-stuck Walker which eventually lead to the brutal murder of Dale. I laid out the possible reactions to this scenario and then explored the possible consequences of each of those possible reactions. But why is it even important to weigh the pros & cons of every decision, every seemingly minute action? Here’s why…

Damn kids.

I understand why scenes like the mud-stuck Walker exist in TWD world. I get why Carl behaved the way he did. He’s a kid, we’re supposed to see that despite all the growing up this kid had had to do in the past months, he’s still just a kid that doesn’t have any sense of the world he’s living in. He’s Vada and Thomas J throwing rocks at the beehive. He’s curious and he’s scared but without the tools to predict the consequences of your actions, curiosity and fear are deadly and stupid.

The Zombie Apocalypse is not a world without consequence. It’s a world where the consequences are:

  • A) This will get me or someone I love eaten.
  • B) I won’t be eaten today.

That’s it; those are your two choices now. Will this end horrifically or will I live to fight another day?

Look at Lori.

No wonder Carl’s a mess, his mother is She of the Bad Decisions. Do you think she ever thought about the consequences of making sweet, sweet Apocalypse love (to two people no less!) while smack dab in the middle of a ZA? Sex leads to pregnancy (stay safe, kids) and getting pregnant will inevitably lead to the death of you, your baby, anybody you’re currently responsible for and anybody who’s currently responsible for you. For the last months of your pregnancy you’re going to be at a physical disadvantage. For the entire duration you’re going to be mentally disadvantaged, because everything you do will be colored with the safety of that baby. If you already have children, their safety is now at risk because you’ve got more on your mind now, don’t you? Who knocked you up? Was it your Husband? He’s now at a higher risk of being eaten because you’re a liability now.

I firmly believe that Kelly Taylor is the “Lori” of the 90210 group.

Do you even know who knocked you up? Was it your Husband or was it his best friend? Now you have the added bonus that maybe they’ll be a macho duel for your love and one of them will kill the other before anyone even has the opportunity to become lunch.

How is this going to affect your group? Other women in your group will more than likely be “assigned” to you in your time of need. What if she has kids of her own to look after? Now they’re at risk because their “protector” is busy birthing your baby. And let’s not forget that once the baby’s born all bets are off. The baby is a wailing zombie magnet. There are limited if any supplies to provide and care for a baby.

I was going to put a picture of Fred Phelps up as my “Religious Zealot,” but it was far too creepy. Enjoy Kevin Smith’s version instead.

What happens when one of you, the one who has run through the potential scenarios of your group’s survival, makes the hard decision and kills that baby for the good of the many or for the protection of their own child or because they take it upon themselves to deliver that baby into the hands of God with a mercy killing (it takes all kinds in a ZA – you’ll more than likely have a religious zealot or two in your gang).

What’s that going to do to your “family?” You’ve put multiple lives at risk all because you didn’t look at the potential consequences of your midnight bone session.

In the Zombie Apocalypse, oral sex is King and the King can save your life.

I’m not saying that everyone should automatically know how to predict the future, but when the zombie shit hits the fan and that shit is made up of bits and pieces of you and/or your loved ones it’s time to start changing the way you think. You won’t always make the right choices, but when you start to realize that every single decision you make (or don’t make) has the potential consequence of brutal death then at least you’ll be on the right track. It’s time to start imagining the worst because you now live in a world where the worst possible thing you can imagine happening, just happened to that guy over there because yesterday his group used up their ammunition shooting swinging trees and today he’s nothing but a big piece of meat with an empty gun in his hand.

For the love of God don’t Google “meat mask” at work. I’m on some sort of list now, I just know it.

From Angela Chase to Zombie Girl: A Trip Down Halloween Costume Lane

30 Oct

Hi again! I have more past costumes to share and I have pictures from this weekend’s Halloweening.

What was I you asked? I was “Max” from 2 Broke Girls. My friend Sarah was “Caroline” and KJack was “Oleg.” I’m pretty dang proud of us this year. We did a friggin’ sweet job if I do say so myself. Take a look….

The Real Deal

The Halloween Edition w/ CJack, KJack & Sarah

It’s a damn shame that we weren’t anywhere with a costume contest because we totally would have won all the prizes….once people figured out who we were. Poor Sarah was stuck for 3 hours without me and KJack and while some people shouted “Caroline Channing!” at her, she got some “Are you a slutty waitress?” Ugh. Once the band was back together all was right in the Halloween world. Oh! As my “Caroline” was outside in front of the bar, some chick walked by and said her friend wrote for the show and wanted our picture, so that was pretty groovy! Beth Behrs retweeted our picture and the few compliments from 2 Broke Girls fans were pretty cool. The one dude who pointed out that we weren’t as “hot” as the originals apparently felt the need to both tweet the obvious and rain on my parade, but alas, ’tis hard being a star. 

Keeping in theme with my last post here’s some more side-by-sides of Halloweens past. Enjoy!

ANGELA CHASE FROM MY SO-CALLED LIFE

“School is a battlefield…for your heart.”

HOW TO: Overalls, flannel, Doc Martens, red shoulder-length hair, heaps of teen angst. Maybe the easiest costume of them all.

DARLENE CONNER FROM ROSEANNE

To whom it concerns, this costume is awesome.

HOW TO: Recycle the teen angst from last year’s “Angela” costume and add sarcasm and wit and you have Darlene. Also Needed: Long, black curly wig, black combat boots, black sweater, black jeans, chicken shirt. I will warn you that this was pretty much the only year that not a single person knew who I was. One guy did get close by yelling “Hey! You’re dressed up as Roseanne!” at me. I thought the wig was a dead give-away, but apparently not. joy.

LUCY FROM BOARDWALK EMPIRE

Oh, Paz.

I know, I know, I was really just in a semi-generic 1920′s costume, but we told everyone we were “Nucky & Lucy.”

HOW TO: Lie.

LITTLE ZOMBIE GIRL FROM THE WALKING DEAD

Grrlglghghlghhrhhgh…

This was last year’s costume. I’ll take all the accolades please. Thank you.

HOW TO: I just went out and got replicas (as close as I could) of the pieces of her costume. Bunny slippers, blonde wig, white robe (burned and torn), pink pajamas. As for the face, used copious amounts of liquid latex and toilet paper and found a Youtube tutorial where some guy shows you how to use a paperclip and a rubber band to hold your face open. For some reason, I can’t find the original video, but I’ll keep looking and update this if I find it! I’m still pissed that I put my forehead wound on the wrong side.

As you can see, I’m a big fan of Pop Culture TV costumes. So are my friends.

Bethenny Frankel & Max – Besties for life.

We drank Skinnygirl wine all night…it did not make me skinny, but it made me drunk enough that I didn’t care.

Anything Can Happen On Halloween…

27 Oct

I love Halloween. LOVES IT.
I loves it like Tim Curry in the Worst Witch loves it. 

One year when I was in middle school I got three of my friends to dress as characters from Rocky Horror Picture Show. I was Columbia, my friend Julie was Magenta and my friends Trent & Libby were Brad and Janet. We made Trent and Libby wear name tags. The only person who knew who we were was the mayor of Lebanon, Indiana, Jim Acton. He was in a band, so he was totally hip.

Rock & Roll Acton was the best part of Halloween that year.

My boyfriend went Trick-or-Treating with us that year…he was dressed as Dead Kurt Cobain. He seriously ruined the continuity of our costumes. Jim didn’t mind. He called his wife to come out and see us. It was rad.

Another year my best friend Lauren and I dressed up as Bert & Ernie. My Mom made us masks out of fun foam and painted them. They. were. amahzing. It rained that year and the painted faces on our masks started dripping. We went from fairly straight forward adorable costumes to horrific Sesame Street zombies. It was also rad. I think we tried to snort Pixie Stix that year (I don’t recommend this)…middle school was fun.

Anyhoo…I thought I’d use the next couple days to share some of my most recent Halloween costumes. Maybe you’re stumped for ideas. Maybe you just like nice, neat, little split screen pictures of one girl’s past Halloween attempts at greatness. Maybe you’re stalking me. Whatever the case may be, here you go.

JANIS JOPLIN

“Get it while you can.”

HOW TO: To take a generic “Hippie” costume and make her Janis you just need to add long brown hair and a one of these iconic “Janis-y” touches. A Boa on your head, the round glasses, fur boots, fur hat, bottle of Southern Comfort, lots of necklaces. I should clarify, don’t take a Halloween store “Hippie” costume because they’re always gross, but just find some vintagy normal pieces that make you look like a badass cool chick circa 1967. Be loud, be fabulous and emit an air of massive confidence to over compensate for the crippling pain and insecurity inside. Boom. Janis.

CHUCKY FROM CHILD’S PLAY

This was an attempt to overcome the childhood trauma Chucky caused. It worked…a little.

When I was 7 I saw a preview for Child’s Play on TV. Catherine Hicks checks his batteries and sees there aren’t any, then his head spins around and he says “Hi, I’m Chucky, wanna play?” It was at this exact moment in my young life that I experienced true fear. When I got home I immediately banished Baby Talk and Teddy Ruxpin to the closet, where they spent the rest of their lives locked up so they couldn’t murder me in my sleep. Chucky proceeded to terrify me from that day forward. One time I was playing a claw game in a restaurant and the stuffed animal I picked up with the claw revealed a Chucky plush doll underneath. It was horrible. Anyway…I’ve finally come to grips with my irrational fear and now love Chucky for the foul-mouthed precious old man that he is.

HOW TO: Primary colored striped shirt. Overalls. I painted the “Good Guys” logo (ok…my Mom did) and ironed on a bunch of random little kid theme patches. I bought the plastic knife and painted it like the original poster. Red tennis shoes. Red hair. Say bad words and stab people.
You are Chucky.

SHAUN FROM SHAUN OF THE DEAD

“You’ve got red on you.”

This was the same year I was “Chucky.” If I’m going out more than once I don’t like to repeat my costume…because I’m a freak. This was completely last-minute. I walked down the street to Village Discount thrift store and bought the shirt and tie. Made the name tag on the computer and blooded up.

HOW TO: White men’s button down shirt, black pants, red tie, “SHAUN” name tag from FOREE ELECTRIC. I wore the same red Chucks I wore for “Chucky.” (Pun not intended but appreciated). Splash blood on your face and paint your hands with blood and grab your shirt so there are bloody hand-prints on it. If you have a cricket bat you’re a better man than I. I just drank beer all night and talked with a British accent.

LAUREL MCGOFF FROM KID NATION

Laurel McGoff is my hero.

I already explained my love for Laurel and Kid Nation here. I miss that show. This “How To” is not how to be “Laurel” exactly, but more how to achieve what I did that year.

HOW TO: Pick an obscure character from a reality TV show that you love (no one from the Jersey Shore counts as obscure, by the way). Re-create as many of their iconic traits that you can. For example: Jeff Lewis has perfect hair and wears shirts with collars. He also has shiny plump lips. Carry some color swatches if you need to. Be prepared to explain who you are to people all night and for them to stare at you blankly when you excitedly assure them that “I look just like her!” So what did I achieve that year? The perfect joy of accomplishment when one person sees you across the room, knows exactly who you’re dressed as and thinks you are the most amazing person on Earth. They will buy you drinks all night and tell all their friends that you are the funniest, smartest person at the party/bar. I imagine that it’s fairly similar to what the actual person you’re dressed as experiences in life. You’ve become a Z-list Reality Star*. Congratulations!

That’s all for now…I have to go start putting on my costume for this year.

????

Hmmm…what could it be? There’s a hint around here someplace…if’n you need it.

Come on, guess.

*Dear Jeff Lewis, I do NOT think you’re Z-list. That was for comedy purposes. I apologize. I love you more than words. I want to be your friend. Call me, maybe?

The ABC’s of the Zombie Apocalypse – C is for CONSEQUENCE (Part I)

25 Oct

**Contains all the spoilers for all The Walking Dead**

We’re days away from the season 3 premier episode 3 of The Walking Dead on AMC. It’s been almost 7 months since we left Rick and the rest of the survivors and I didn’t know how much I missed them until I started re-watching the series today 3 weeks ago. Like, really…really missed them. Mostly just Rick though…the others are a big batch of annoying that just seem to make Rick’s life difficult if you ask me.

Anyhoo…the premier of the new TWD season coupled with the impending arrival of Halloween and the fact that I haven’t written anything in what feels like a bajillion years has led me to this, the third entry in………

The ABC’s of The Zombie Apocalypse:

C is for Consequence!

“C” became “Consequence” because of another “C,” Carl.  Who I may have called by another “C” word often during Season 2, but I digress…

Here’s my Carl conundrum; His pre-teen douchbaggary is 100% responsible for killing Dale. 100%. He made a very specific choice to act like an asshole. His decision to throw rocks at the Stuck-in-the-Mud-Walker followed by his inability to kill said walker led to Dale’s death.

It’s like Alien Vs. Predator, but with more facial hair and elderly man-sass.

I’m not going to fault him for freaking out once the walker started to get loose and being unable to take it down. He’s a kid. I get it, but he failed to foresee any consequences to his actions and that’s why Dale’s dead. If, instead of completely ignoring Carl and then spending obscene amounts of time looking for him once he fucked off somewhere, Lori and the rest of the gang had been teaching him valuable lessons in cause & effect, perhaps Dale would be alive and still be competing with Hershel for the “Wise Old Guy” position of the group. A few conversations about logic would have been more beneficial than Shane’s how-to-catch-frogs tutorial. 

Now, let’s walk through this particular scenario:

OVER 40 POSSIBLE ENDINGS!!! NOT ALL OF THEM END IN HORRIFIC DEATH!! (ALTHOUGH MOST OF THEM DO)

Boy sees restrained Walker.

Boy has 3 choices:

  1. Kill walker
  2. Alert a sane adult (there’s got to be a few around here somewhere, right?) or….
  3. ACT LIKE AN FUCKING ASSHOLE KID AND THROW ROCKS AT IT.

Now to explore the consequences of the only three viable options:

Comic Book Carl doesn’t fuck around.

1. Kill walker – Carl has a gun. He’s seen how they’re used and practiced shooting. The walker is restrained and stationary. It’s a perfect opportunity to man-up and take the opportunity to face what it’s going to be like to kill something. You know you’re going to have to do it eventually, kid, and here you have one wrapped up in a nice neat meat bow just for you.

CONSEQUENCE: Walker’s no longer a threat. Self satisfaction in eliminating the threat on your own. Mental & physical preparation for a necessary and vital act you’ll need to perform nearly everyday of the rest of your life while living during the Zombie Apocalypse.

2. Alert Sane* Adult – You’re still a hero kid! Go tell Rick! Dale! Daryl! Glenn! T-Dog! (Poor T-Dog, one would think “Where’s T-Dog?” would be just as common an inquiry as “Where’s Carl?”)

They always make T-Dog take the picture.

CONSEQUENCE: Sane adult kills walker and identifies this area of the woods as un-explored and potentially dangerous leading to a sweep of the area and the potential elimination of more walkers.

NO!

*It would be counter-productive to go to one of the batshit crazy survivors like Shane, Lori, Andrea or Hershel because you can’t predict the actions of crazy people and the whole point of this exercise is to logically predict the consequences of various reactions to a problem and then choose the safest, most helpful course of action that does not, in any way, end with Dale being disemboweled.

I thought an Instagram filter would make him look more like a douche. I was right.

3. Throw Rocks At It –Instead of reveling in the luck that you’ve stumbled upon a vicious killing machine that is paying zero attention to you and is unable to move, you start chucking rocks at it. While this is a brave and valiant choice when attempting to lure a walker away from its intended victim, it’s pure dumbass douchieness to do this in any other situation.

CONSEQUENCE: Walker is annoyed. Walker now smells food. Walker has all the time in the world to work his way out of his mud prison and follow that smell to food source, i.e. your friends and family. Eats Dale.

Close enough.

This post was of epic length and my lunch break is almost over….stay tuned for Part II where I get all philosophical about more crap that isn’t real.

To be continued….

This has nothing to do with the actual post, but contains the words “stay tuned” and is a fantastic movie.

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